Fortuna

Inspirational song: Firework (Katy Perry)

This was not the New Years Eve I try to have. There were more trials and tribulations than I prefer on this, my most superstitious night of the year. I was ill at ease for much of the day, and for at least a part of it, I bounced between furious and heartbroken. Without the aid of a mischievous little spirit, my night might have ended there. Instead, I was talked back from the precipice of fury, and passed the remainder of the evening peacefully playing games and eating birthday cake.

We tried to go watch little fireworks with the kids. That was before we discovered that the boxes purchased didn't hold fountains and sparklers, but rather confetti poppers. We were disappointed, but we made up for it roasting giant marshmallows around a fire pit. Eventually some years-old sparklers were located, so the kids got a few bright lights before bed.

I ended my night focused on very specific goals I want to achieve this year. They are nigh impossible, but I'm done with half measures. If I'm going to dream, I'm going to wish for what I have wanted for over half of my life. O, Fortuna. Smile on me.

Knotty

Inspirational song: See Me, Feel Me (The Who)

You know what I miss? Regular massages. I gave them up at the beginning of the year, and saved myself over $1500. But I also feel a lot more muscle stiffness and joint pain. I could probably throw myself in an Epsom salt bath more often to address that, but I just never seem to get myself all the way there. I should probably get at least one massage soon, but I would feel awkward going back to Massage Envy. I said my goodbyes, which felt permanent. And a non-member price seems excessive after what I paid all those years. At the same time, finding a new person is an uphill battle I'm not ready for. I don't know where to go with this. I guess I will just stretch really well and maybe take a muscle relaxer before bed and try to put it off a bit longer.

This is what I get from a day of kids running around my house. Delirious ramblings and wistful memories of people digging their knuckles into my soft tissues while I lie there and try to remember to breathe. I didn't actively chase the kids so much as I was just overwhelmed by their boisterous presence. I think my favorite part of the day was when Dmitri passed out against my shoulder, in a milk coma. He took his entire afternoon nap there, and I was "obligated" to stay still with my feet up so I didn't disturb him. I don't think I ever actually fell asleep too, but sitting still was nice.

Tomorrow will be busy. Gotta do some touchup cleaning so I go into the new year with a clean house. I also elected to do my black-eyed peas from dried this year, so I'll need to set up an overnight soak. And then we will go see the kids just after dark, so they can set off some tiny fireworks, like fountains and sparklers. Of all the places I could chose to spend my New Years Eve, I would be with those kids every time.

Clear Cache

Inspirational song: Cup of Wonder (Jethro Tull)

This keeps happening to me. I'm sleepwalking through the days, and not taking note of anything worth writing about. I don't do this to keep track of my daily habits. I do this so I remember how I feel about the things that go on around me. There wasn't a whole lot of emotion inspired by picking out beige paint chips at Lowe's. Sorry. Maybe that makes me cold-hearted. Maybe I'm not a good early-2020s Instagram girl. 

I'm still tip-toeing towards 2024 as reluctantly as ever. So much of the last decade has been "whoa, 2013 was the worst year ever...surely 2014 will be better," and so on. I know you all feel it to. Sure, it's fun to joke that our timeline went off track when Prince or David Bowie died, or some similar bit of pop culture tragedy. But we really have been reeling off-kilter for years, and none of us seems to know how to stop it. The best I can do is take time each night just to come to peace with it. I find comfort in normalcy, so if I seem inordinately pleased by repotting a tiny sansevieria, just assume that was me performing some self-care. (I wish I had taken its picture while the grow lights were still on. It was really cute.)

My mother has been begging me to take up meditation for most of my life. My brain doesn't allow me to mute it to do so properly. I do, however, daydream very, very well. That will have to suffice. If other people are capable of focusing inward with a quiet mind, I can at least perform a systems check and download into paragraph form, clearing the cache for some healing daydreams. That is my final task of the day, and I'm off to complete it.

Cast Adrift

Inspirational song: Doctor, Doctor (Thompson Twins)

Does it count as a medical crisis to be told that your favorite doctor is suddenly no longer in network? I was leaving one medical checkup, with a provider who is unfailingly sweet and kind, and I received a phone call saying that my rheumatologist is no longer in my network. I can't process this in my brain. I rely heavily on her, and we have built a solid relationship over the last almost eight years. I don't know what I will do. And whose fault is this, anyway? Did corporate owners of the practice decide not to take my insurance, or did Tricare boot them out like they did all of the pharmacies last year? I don't know who it was who took over administration of Tricare several years back, but my suspicion is that they are the culprit. Things have gone rapidly and steadily downhill for years. As Mr S-P says, eroding yet more benefits from military retirees and spouses.

There are other rheumatologists here in town, including at UCHealth, which I know is in network (or at least it was--I'll have to check to see just how drastic this change is). It will even be more convenient for me, as I was driving to Northglenn to see my current doctor. I followed her when she started using that location as her primary, and stopped coming here, because I like her that much. I hope whoever I end up using from here is someone I can trust as much as this one. It usually takes months to get in with a rheumatologist. I guess I will self-pay for my appointment next month, so I don't go so long in between visits.

As for my other appointment, the one this afternoon, it was for my periodic skin check. I received an all clear. No new suspicious moles or bumps or anything else. She told me I was boring, and that was the best thing I could hear. She really is the kindest human, and I was so happy to walk out with the buzz from all that sweetness. Too bad the phone call ruined it.

Between the Years

Inspirational song: Fly Like an Eagle (Steve Miller Band)

A couple of days ago, I saw someone post on Threads about the German phrase to describe the week between Christmas and New Years. It is "zwischen den jahren," or "between the years." How did I live in Germany as a child, study German language as a college student, and live 35 years with a man who also studied it, yet never encountered this most perfect of descriptions for this particular week? This whole week is unmoored from calculable time, and you can't find me anyone who will convince me otherwise. I am floating between the years, and enjoying it as much as I do for each out-of-time occurrence.

I'm bouncing between hard work and rest days. Yesterday was exhausting. Today my entire goal was to get a shower before our old college roommate showed up for game night. I succeeded, but just barely. I do have a couple of important things to attend to before the calendar flips over, but I honestly don't know whether it will happen.

We had five players total this evening. We had to pick a game to accommodate all of us (been sticking to 4-player games a lot lately), and we chose Wingspan. I have traditionally found this one difficult to master, and for the first several times we played it, I came in a distant last place. For the first time tonight, I did well through the entire game. Also for the first time, I actually won! I beat three of the toughest competitors I've ever known, against whom I rarely win anything. We also taught our housemate how to play, and they picked it up pretty well for the first time on a complex game. 

Usually during game night, Saoirse is banished to the garage to hang out with Murray. I'm fighting hard to win her the right to be with the group. She's not the obnoxious puppy she was when this habit started. She's sociable and well-behaved, and I want her with me all the time. She did well tonight, if by well I mean asking every person at the table to adore her endlessly.

Merry Stimmas

Inspirational song: All of My Love (Led Zeppelin)

Some things are worth the wait. Wow. 

We had the kids over for post Christmas brunch and gift exchange this morning. We all swore to go easy on each other, and the gifts were spot on. The kids got train toys, books, puzzles, and the battery-operated toy tool sets from us. (Pretend power drill set for D, chain saw like grandpa for V.) The adults got things we both needed and wanted, plus several chances to lose at Powerball. It was delightful.

The big gift from grandpa to the whole family happened later in the day. The kids went to the mountains first, where they checked in to a hotel, and the babies were perfectly content to believe it was just to go swimming in the middle of winter. We stayed down in town long enough to get our animals fed and inside for the evening. Then we joined them in Georgetown. First we had dinner at one of the two restaurants still open on a Tuesday. Then we went to the real present.

Valerie has been asking to go back to the Georgetown Loop train since we went last summer. But until we were standing right next to it, she didn't recognize where we were. It was absolutely dripping in fairy lights, so maybe that was enough to confuse her. 

The entire train ride was a sensory feast. Snow covered the whole mountain, and some of the millions of lights were under a thin coat of snow too. The interior of the car was draped in lighted garlands and holiday music played the whole time. We were in the top car going up, so we were treated to the first performance from Scrooge and the Ghost of Christmas Present. About a third of the way up they turned off the interior lights and we just rocked in darkness, looking at all the sparkly lights outside. Dmitri watched as long as he could, until the perfection of the ride put him to sleep. Val was into it the whole way. At the end, I leaned over and said, "Thank you for sharing such a special night with me." She continued to look out over the snow and softly said, "You're welcome, Anne."

Circle Back Later

Inspirational song: Bless Us All (Muppet Christmas Carol)

If you please, Mr Scrooge, it's customary to take time off for Christmas day.

A whole day?

Yes, I'm taking it very easy today. Not much writing. For that matter, not much being awake. We will exchange gifts with the rest of the family tomorrow. Until then, resting. 

Merry Christmas.

Grandma's Day

Inspirational song: Christmas Wrapping (The Waitresses)

It's midnight as I begin typing. Merry Christmas, to all y'all.

I did my usual Christmas Eve dinner tonight. Son-in-law, grandkids, and two friends were here with us. The menu was less elaborate than Thanksgiving, the house was cleaner to start with, and several other factors contributed to it being a whole lot less stressful than last month. I mean, my back is still screaming at me tonight, but that is really the only screaming that happened. I think it was a good dinner. I know Valerie liked the homemade macaroni and cheese (I think we all did), and she really liked learning about ambrosia. I'm looking forward to having leftover ambrosia for breakfast.

I tried making gluten-free gingerbread cookies with a C-130 shaped cookie cutter for dessert. The dough was sticky and hard to remove from the cutter, and by the time it baked, the fancy military aircraft shapes looked more like a Fisher-Price toy airplane. I have been told I am required to make more of these cookies tomorrow, but I don't have to use the pain-in-the-butt cutter.

We closed out the night with several more rounds of Azul. And oh, have the mighty fallen. Not only did I not win a round, unlike yesterday, I came in dead last every time. Ah, well. It was still fun. 

Good Game

Inspirational song: You're So Vain (Carly Simon)

Praise be to dog, the trip to Costco wasn't nearly as awful as we feared. Yes, it was crowded, and the lines were long. We ended up having to take the kids, because grandpa had a morning meeting he couldn't skip, so we went when regular babysitting time started. In the end, it wasn't noticeably worse than most weekends.  

On the way there, we stopped at a bookstore. I stayed in the children's section while he went to find what he wanted. They had a rocking horse that wasn't a horse, it was a chunky wooden motorcycle. The kids took turns on it. When grandpa returned, he was carrying a copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, purely by coincidence. Dmitri is still a bit young for that, but he was game to give it a look-see.

Our friend from the mountain is down for the weekend, and we closed out our night with a few rounds of Azul (a board game based on Portuguese ceramic tiles). Mr S-P won the first hands down. We weren't even close. I gathered my wits and managed to win the next two rounds. I told them there had to be one of the boards games I was good at. I usually get smoked by one or another of the regular players. Give me a chance to feel good about myself.

Foot Dragging

Inspirational song: If Tomorrow Never Comes (Garth Brooks)

Oh... oh, no... what have we done? 

Mr S-P and I were too tired to go to Costco this evening on our way back from Boulder, but we still need to go. Our dog and cat kibbles are store brands from there. We have to go before Christmas. But we have let ourselves run right up against the calendar, and now we have to go to Costco the day before Christmas Eve. We're doomed, Scrooge, doomed for all time. It's going to be awful. Even worse, I think I've run out of butter. I just hope Costco hasn't as well.

As bad as I expect it to be, I am not going to try to pick up the children early so they can come with us. We don't need that added stress. It's going to be bad enough when I have them here tomorrow, but their presents (and everyone else's) aren't wrapped yet. I have to figure out how to keep them from my bedroom, when I have trained them that that's the TV they get to use freely. Maybe I'll just give them my iPad, bring up Disney+, and tell them to go to town. Shoot, maybe they will finally break it the rest of the way, and I'll stop foot-dragging about replacing it.

We did have a valid reason for failing to go to the store this evening. We spent most of the day with two of his oldest friends from high school. We retrieved one from his parents' house in the mountains above Boulder, where he and his young adult daughters are staying for the holidays, and met the other in town at a restaurant. We left mid-morning, and didn't make it back home until after sunset. It was tiring doing all the driving, but worth it to keep up long-standing friendships. As far as I am concerned, that's one of the best parts of winter holidays.

Saturn's Fire

Inspirational song: Ring Out, Solstice Bells (Jethro Tull)

According to the ancient traditions, we gathered around a bonfire, on the longest night of the year. We had a rich, wonderful dinner made by my daughter. And we asked for the blessings of Saturn for a prosperous new year. It might have been a tiny bit chaotic, with two very young children not wanting to sit still around a fire, but instead wanting to walk around, climb on their play structure, and help daddy throw last year's junk mail into the fire. Not really their scene, not at this age. We grownups had a good time watching the fire as one solar year dies and a new one is born. Io Saturnalia.

My favorite kid saying of the night: the children each had two glow sticks, the stubby kind that they encourage them to carry for visibility when trick-or-treating. Valerie kept talking about how she liked playing with "glue sticks." We all shuddered, imagining the mess she could make with glue sticks tonight. I was picturing hot glue. Not sure what the others thought of.

Several weeks ago, I decided to embrace the TV antenna cable wrapping halfway around the upper quarter of my bedroom walls. Rather than looking for a way to hide it, I chose to drape some kind of garland along it and make it an art piece. I took my time about creating that art. I used a whole spool of cotton twine left over from my plant hanging creations, and macramed a twisted rope around a long string of green fairy lights and some brass bell strands from Hobby Lobby. I finished it tonight, and I've loosely tacked it up running from behind the TV to the window where the antenna sits. I might fiddle with it some, or I might leave it looking primitive and free-flowing. As of now, I'm thinking the latter.

Rolling with the Plan

Inspirational song: Happy Holiday / The Holiday Season (Andy Williams)

I am amazed at how polite and understanding people were at Walmart today. It's five days to Christmas, and people were still smiling and entirely pleasant in high traffic areas of the store. What a relief. I worried when I needed to go there that it would be a cranky nightmare. Instead there wasn't a frown in the place. It's a Christmas miracle.

My daughter and I have solidified the plan for the family meal on Christmas eve. I was meandering slowly through the grocery side, trying to imagine what non-starchy sides would be good, when I found myself staring at cans of fruit cocktail. I can't remember the last time I tried to make ambrosia salad...but I know when the next time will be. This ought to be fun. The spread will be smaller in all ways than Thanksgiving. Not as many dishes, and not as large quantities. We had way too much. This will be far simpler. I'm even planning more than one item from a can. Going to do homemade macaroni and cheese, though. Same with ginger-molasses cookies. 

Game night planning was a rollercoaster. First it was going to be just three people. Then it was up to a potential of nine adults, two kids, and an extra dog. When it settled back down to four adults, I was quite relieved. I was tired from shopping, and happy to sit and play a couple mellow rounds of Dice Forge. At least I got most of my panic cleaning done when I thought we would have a crowd.

With Both Feet

Inspirational song: Somebody's Watching Me (Rockwell)

That was disconcerting. I was just chilling out in the living room, as I am wont to do, and Saoirse started barking up a storm at the front window. I had my glasses up on top of my head, so I couldn't see what she was going on about, but she usually gets very jealous watching other dogs go by on walks. I assumed that was it, and told her to hush. She didn't. So while I was looking vaguely that direction, I saw the flash of a cell phone camera, pointed right at my window, from roughly where my lawn ends and the concrete begins--on the near side of the lawn. Then the person turned and walked back down the driveway and got into an SUV or van (personal car, not delivery company), and drove off. What the hell was that? We have a lot of Door Dash kinds of drivers start heading to our house, only to veer off when they see Google has led them to our house when they wanted the neighbors. This wasn't that. I don't know what was going on, but it has left me feeling uneasy for the last hour.

I had been feeling pretty good until then. Today it was my turn to sell the weekly raffle tickets at Rotary (we call it the fishbowl). I figured I would really lean in to the idea of talking to folks at every table as I walked around, and dressed up for Christmas. I have pure green velour overalls, that have detailing on them like a tin soldier. I wore a bright red and green ugly sweater that is covered in cat faces over top of the overalls, so it looked like I just had velvet pants. I had new Christmas socks, and I used a bit of silver and gold eye shadow for some extra sparkle. I intended to get a picture of it while at Rotary, but I never felt like asking someone to take it. Now I've ditched the sweater and I'm covered in cats. Too late for that picture. It was fun going full Elf though.

I think we have our Christmas plans coming into focus. We will have a dinner on Sunday night, with family and friends, and then chill out until Tuesday, when we will open gifts together. My daughter has to work part of Christmas day, so flexibility is key this year. We have something special in the works for that day anyway, so it makes the most sense.

I guess once Alfred decides I'm allowed to stand up again, I'll get a picture of something to put in here. Still wish I knew what the story was with the mystery photographer.

Words Are Hard

Inspirational song: Super Fly (Curtis Mayfield)

Enough breakthrough headaches have come along to make me wonder whether the botox is still working. The one today was strong enough to make it hard to be a functional adult. I tried to get stuff done, but after trips to two banks and phone calls that didn't quite accomplish what I needed, I stopped trying so hard. I went on my last errand, which was to buy milk now that we are home from Florida. Got that, plus a self-indulgent steak dinner for just me. And darn it, I waited long enough for the seasonal beverage. I got a half gallon of eggnog, which will probably last through New Years because I thin it with milk. 

Normally I read through and edit before adding photos and publishing. I don't think I will tonight. The headache is still there, and not only am I not enjoying looking at the screen, it feels more authentic to show you how hard it is to put words in order when I feel like this. I'm gonna let the text lie just where it is when it spilled out of my brain.

Even Keel

Inspirational song: Pleasant Valley Sunday (The Monkees)

Some of the pieces are starting to fall back into place. Our pet sitter and her spare animals have gone back home. The two lap cats have decided they like me again (after about 12 hours of being still mad) and have aggressively cuddled with me. My weekly pill holder is full again. I've enjoyed some absolute silence in the house while the other adults were gone. I've napped in my recliner. You know, the regular stuff. Normal, average Sundays feel comfortable.

While I was down in Florida, I invited a few plants to follow me home. The crew went for a couple walks to let the children work out some energy, and they stuffed their pockets with handfuls of Spanish moss, at my request. I asked for a tiny nibble of Christmas cactus to bring home and try to root up. The cactus is in a tiny terracotta pot, looking for roots. The Spanish moss is un-wadded, and now spread out in six different clusters in the house (of vastly different sizes). I held up a moderately small clump and showed Mr S-P, saying that at the Flower Bin that amount would be about $25. The amount we brought home would retail for several hundred, maybe a grand, if we parceled it out properly. Not that I intend to sell it. If any of my plant-appreciating friends want some, I will give them a share. Spread the love.

I did really like being back on my own bed last night. The one I was in for a week wasn't horrible, but it was much firmer than my body can handle long-term. Mine immediately squished under me just right, and my large collection of pillows helped me get my head and arms supported the way I need. It takes a lot of customization to prevent me from clenching up so hard I go numb and can't move when I wake. Vacations are fun, and the place we were staying was lovely, but as Valerie would also attest, there is nothing quite as wonderful as sleeping in your own bed.

Almost Home

Inspirational song: Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes (Jimmy Buffett)

One more hard day of travel is nearly done. I'm writing from the passenger side of my best good ride. There is still close to an hour to home, but I've got a lemonade, and I've already taken my evening pills plus some Tylenol. I ought to make it all right.

Everything went okay until we changed the hustle at the very last minute. We had promised Valerie a specific order of transportation, and as we waited to deplane, we agreed to send two adults to retrieve the cars from the remote lot, and the others would stay with children and luggage. Valerie was quite disappointed to miss out on her promised bus ride, and I feel like we incurred a curse at that point. From there, everything went to hell. Tiredness caught up to us, and I ended up having to stand around for what felt like hours. Getting picked up at the curb went sideways, because we didn't realize that baggage claim level was for rideshare only. Logistics to get everyone and all luggage down to the proper level felt like one of those logic puzzles on how to get stuff across a bridge in the proper order.

Once I have had a night to cuddle my floofy girls, and had a day to decompress, I might be more coherent. For now, my brain is shutting down. Immediately.