Going Dark

Inspirational song: All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor Swift)

That's a wrap, folks. For eleven and a half years, I've been doing this nightly dispatch. I've done everything possible to find a silver lining in cancer, lupus, collapse of a marriage, and pet death. Remaining positive and continuing to draw attention to myself, an out and proud Democrat, under the cloud of looming fascism just seems stupid. I had thought that when I stopped writing, it would wind down slowly, maybe with a retrospective from my favorite moments. I think now I would rather rip the band-aid off all at once. I don't want to do this anymore. 

For those of you who wanted this, enjoy watching it burn. Our educational system, health care, food supply. All going to struggle. Foreign relations will be a nightmare. To those who wanted what I did, we shall meet in the shadows and practice our baneful magic. May we survive.

A.

P.S. Fuck the patriarchy

Heartburn

Inspirational song: I Don't Know (Ozzy Osbourne)

To absolutely no one's surprise, I am anxious and on the verge of losing my mind. Uncertainty has never been my friend. I already had so much going on, and dragging yet another election out possibly for days is more than I can think about. I can't take any mind-altering substances. Alcohol would make me feel even more wretched, and I have an endoscopy coming up on Friday that means gummies are out also. I tried eating, but only made it through a little mac and cheese and Doritos before heartburn took over. I don't even want to look at sugar.

So I think I'm going to go to bed and see whether I can keep screens off long enough to do me any good. I'm not hopeful, but it's the best I've got.

Stress Eating Opportunities

Inspirational song: One Day More (Les Mis)

My social media feeds are full of people asking what we are all eating for the next 24 hours, what we are drinking, whether other intoxicants are on the menu, and even one asking whether we are "screaming into a jar and saving it to hurl as a scream grenade to provide a psychic attack to all within aural range." To say the world is tense tonight is an understatement. 

Me, I am holding it together surprisingly well. I stayed in my super soft comfort jammies, and let myself totally rest my sore back. I ate a bit more Halloween candy than I should have, but not so much as to be a problem. I even had two real meals--leftover quiche and a dinner with protein and vegetables. Now, fair warning, those vegetables were red cabbage and kale, so I'm going to remain remarkably unpleasant to be around, but not because I'm drinking myself into oblivion or anything dumb.

I may actually be capable of sleeping tonight. Not sure about tomorrow. I can't even promise I will remember to look up from returns to blog tomorrow. I just need to follow the advice I keep seeing: breathe and hydrate.

Looking at the Colors

Inspirational song: Drive She Said (Stan Ridgway)

A few weeks back, we saw a TikTok or reel that suggested a great, inexpensive way to entertain children. Load them up in the car cart at Home Depot, and tour slowly through the Christmas displays. We had the kids today, and we didn't feel like sitting around the house all day, so that is exactly what we did. 

Their mother failed to check the weather forecast before she brought them over, so their clothes were a little on the light side for the cool-down this afternoon. We started our shopping at Walmart, so we could grab a couple of hoodies for them, as well as restock on the store brand of bubble bath that I prefer over all other brands. There were plenty of Christmas things to look at there too, so we got a double dose of twinkle light window shopping.

I have much to do here before decorating for Christmas. If I apply myself diligently, I could be ready by Thanksgiving. No promises that such will be possible. The kids and I will give it our best, though.

Brick and Pebble

Inspirational song: It's Raining Men (The Weathergirls)

At the grocery store this morning, my job was to push the boy cart. Avery snoozed in his car seat in the basket, and Dmitri kept me entertained from the top seat. Even before the bottom of the cart was stacked with cat litter, that was one heavy cart. I was pushing a bag of bricks, and a little bucket of pebbles. I'm going to tell myself that's why my arms were sore and tired all day.

Babysitting is back to being a big ol' honking job now. Learning to juggle multiple babies again is taking some time. I'm getting better, but it wore me the heck out. They're home and I've stuffed myself with pot roast and leftover candy. It's time to put on loose jammies and wait for SNL to start.

Doin' the Thing Again

Inspirational song: Don't Bring Me Down (Electric Light Orchestra)

Look, I don't know how well anyone else is dealing with life, the universe, and everything, but I am crumbling under the weight of stress right now. For the next two weeks I intend to be very gentle on myself, and then I'll switch to being very gentle on the Mr, who will be having a medical procedure done. (I haven't asked yet how much I'm allowed to disclose, so for now, understand he's fine. Just needs a tune-up.) For my own sanity, I'll be doing a lot of brief check-in blogs, with a song, a sentence or two, a random photo, and a wave goodbye. This is better than some of the alternatives, like developing a substance abuse problem, which just sounds like a way to gain weight and lose friends.

I can at least explain today's pictures. I got my updated glasses from Costco this morning. New prescription, new lenses, same frames. I can see so much better. And on the way home, I stopped at Michael's, hoping for clearance Halloween stuff on which to spend a $5 reward voucher. Nothing was good, so I spent it on a Christmas candle. Sticker price 15, on sale for 10, military discount and voucher later, I paid $3.79. Woot.

Hocus Pocus

Inspirational song: I Put a Spell on You (Annie Lennox)

Best idea ever-- this year, to encourage trick-or-treaters to stop at our house, I met them halfway. I sat at the end of the driveway to hand out candy. I set out a camp chair, covered it in a thick blanket, and had a second blanket for my lap. I ran an extension cord out, and encircled my chair with purple lights, plus I plugged in my little "bubbling cauldron" of lights. I slapped together the sloppiest costume. I was going for spooky witch, but it looked more like kooky fortune-teller when it came down to it. I'm sharing the embarrassing photos I sent the kids to prove how goofy it was. I had a can of peach tea, and two screens on which to watch Hocus Pocus (one battery died). I was set.

When Mr S-P got home from school, he joined me. He carved two pumpkins really quickly, grabbed a wool cloak he has used for a costume before, and we waited to see who would come by. There were several slow periods, but overall, it was incredibly successful, compared to the trend of the last decade. I think the lights really helped us out as it got darker. We easily got 25-30 kids before my movie ended and it got too cold to be outside. When we moved inside, I draped the purple lights along the side of the porch, and we had three more groups show up. Saoirse ran out to greet the first one. 

Now that I know this works, I have a year to plan. Next year will be more put together. I'll be better prepared for the weather. And our display and costumes will be ready to go before the sun goes down.

Flipping Birds

Inspirational song: Another Day (Paul McCartney)

They don't come around often, but sometimes there are times I don't feel like sharing. It's no-share Wednesday for me this week.

I have a couple pictures of Alfred, the game we played, and Alfred suggesting he wanted to play the game with us, since it was the bird game. Best I can do for now.

Food Coma

Inspirational song: Food Glorious Food (Oliver)

Not sure it is worth fighting it. I made the most amazing dinner, and I have been sedated and happy ever since. For over two hours, I've just been sitting here digesting, and I'm getting more and more relaxed and sleepy as I do it. I didn't want to write. I just wanted to enjoy my happy tummy feelings. 

I went to meet the new botox doctor, as my previous neurologist has left patient practice and gone on to teaching. I'll miss him, but I'm happy for his job change and opportunity to be with his family more. After my migraine treatment, my daughter and I took Dmitri to King Soopers, and that was worth the trip. Little man is enthusiastic and smart and chatty. We had so much fun with him. He helped us each pick out two pumpkins, and I wish you could have seen our two-year-old strong man try to lift them.

The dinner I made is one of my oldest recipes, that translates well to gluten-free. My mother called it "Stewart chicken" after the person who taught it to her. My housemate told me that once she moves out next year, and comes back to visit (at least annually), she will request this for dinner. I think I can swing that. But for tonight, I need to go sleep it off.

Some Boys

Inspirational song: Steppin' Out (Joe Jackson)

I wasn't intending on leaving the house today. I was going to wake up slowly and then try to find something to work on here. Instead, I had a request to come sit on some boys for a few minutes while their mommy had a surprise meeting at work. I had to recenter my head and move a little faster and more purposefully. My brain resisted, but I worked it into line.

The boys were pretty chill when I got there. Dmitri was powering down, alternating between watching Toy Story and drawing on a Magnadoodle. Avery was content to sit on my lap or stand, and we spent almost the whole time I was there making smiles and giggles at each other. Then it turned out the meeting should not have been scheduled when it was, and was postponed, so I had an extra hour to sit with everyone until regular work time started, and the Monday sitter took over. By the time I left, both boys were sound asleep. Dmitri stretched out on top of me, with a fuzzy blanket, Mario and Luigi dolls, and an ambiance video playing. That was the easiest I've ever gotten him to sleep. He was moved to the other side of the couch and he didn't stir at all.

I'm not sure what I did that qualifies as overdoing it. Maybe scrubbing doors and doorframes at my friend's house. Maybe lifting children yesterday and today. Maybe being in a weird position for too long cleaning cat boxes. Something irritated my shoulders, and I don't like it. I'm pondering some sort of pain relief and an early bed. In fact, yeah, that's next on my schedule.

Break's Over

Inspirational song: Back on the Chain Gang (The Pretenders)

(Long, drawn-out groan) Ooohh, we are rusty. Sure, we have continued to take the kids with us on outings during the long maternity leave, but most of those were either short or featured only one or two children. Today was our first full shift at home with all three, just like we did up before leave. The older two are big enough to qualify as, shall we say, rambunctious. There were a lot of elbows thrown and take downs happening, intentionally or not. I know we have predicted that wrestling may be Dmitri's preferred sport, but I don't know that any of us thought we would already be steamrollering or coming in off the top rope. I certainly didn't expect Val to hold her own as well as she does. I need to hide my breakables for the next decade, at a minimum. 

This is the age where the baby needs to be held nearly constantly. It's not really every minute, but when you're trying to get other things done, it feels like it. It's a lot of fun, and he is at that age where he makes a lot of eye contact and smiles freely. Doesn't make it any easier to make a multi-step stew, when a young man is throwing a fit from his baby swing.

Their dad came early to pick them up, and after hours of playing hard inside and in the back yard, and then a relaxing bubble bath, Dmitri fell asleep right as daddy came to see him. They were in my room, watching TV with minimal ambient light, and the kiddo just melted. We need to work on our timing. We are supposed to get him a nap mid-afternoon, not run him like a diesel train and then let him collapse late. We will get the hang of this again soon.

Why So Hard?

Inspirational song: Easy to Be Hard (Hair)

After a long day of cleaning, both here and with my friend, all I wanted to do was lie in bed and watch the football game. I tried to get it through the apps on the TV. I fought with Hulu ("delete this version of the app and update it" and then I could do neither of those things in settings), and finally got it working through Roku. But even though it said it had college football as something I could select for recommendations, it had none to offer. So I tried ESPN. Found the CU game listed, but the only way I could watch live would be logging in with a TV provider. Why do we pay for the streaming apps if they are useless unless you also pay for cable, satellite, or something like Sling? I got rid of those things on purpose. I freaking hate the way things work now. Or fail to.

I should be relaxed. I did something that has been a giant weight on my shoulders. The end-of-season disarray on the porch made me feel awful. Housemate and I went out and completely revamped it. I sorted and stacked all of my terracotta and other planters. I packed up supplies and fertilizers in their storage tub. I emptied dried soil into a separate tub, where I can rehydrate and condition it for next year. Piles of irrigation supplies and yard tools were taken to the garage. The last plants to be saved came in. Plastics taken to be recycled. And the whole area was swept and straightened. Ah, bliss. Tomorrow we can ponder buying some pumpkins.

With many hands, the porch work was light. Only took an hour and a half. But then I spent all of my energy with the kids, and cleaning my friend's bathroom. By the time I got home I was wiped out and my back was sore. I guess karma is not like a bank account where I can deposit good works and draw out luck. Otherwise I would be watching the game now. At least the announcers on KOA radio paint a clear picture with their words. The fourth quarter is about to start. I'll post this and close my eyes, and watch the game in my head. 

Read the Cards

Inspirational song: Come and Get Your Love (Redbone)

I only accomplished one valuable thing today, but it was a good one. Three of us, the Mr, housemate 2, and I, went to a Halloween party at a friend's house. We had costumes of a sort, nothing super elaborate but fitting our personalities. And we arrived late, but to be fair, it was in a town that was over half an hour away from here. 

This was my first time going to this friend's house. They had done such a great job decorating for Halloween, but it sounds like their daily decor kind of slid right in to being holiday appropriate too. One or both of the couple is a big horror movie fan, and there were original movie posters all over the place. I doubt they keep the giant animatronic skeletons up in the yard all year, though. 

For a little while, housemate and I hid in the basement, when the noise of the party got to be too much. We hung out and got to know their handsome black cat. Then when we went back up, a group that included our host was playing with a tarot deck that had been used as decoration. They didn't know anything about how to read them, but H and I knew some. So our friend asked me to read the cards for him. I was honest that I didn't have every card memorized, but I could come up with reasonable interpretations of the ones I didn't know. Overall, I think I got it right, and maybe it's just me, but I think it was a really good spread. I hope he liked it.

Fall Things

Inspirational song: Criminal (Fiona Apple)

As we drove to and from Costco this morning, the trees were absolutely shedding leaves in a forceful, beautiful way. Mr S-P said what I had been thinking, that we suddenly went from late summer to autumn, and it was in full swing. Several times we passed through thick showers of golden leaves, and I felt a burst of joy in each one. Once home, I watched as a cold front passed through, sending curtains of leaves sideways over my front garden. I don't care how basic it makes me sound. I live for these few weeks of autumn, and I never get tired of it. Winter starts next week, sort of, so I must enjoy it while I can. This evening's forecast revision moved in favor of rain and snow leading up to Halloween.

While I was trying to make progress in the kitchen, I started eyeing a bag of apples I bought last week. As snacking apples, they were incredibly disappointing. So to try to use them up, I decided to bake them. It's a great time of year for apple pie. Before I knew it I was putting together dinner for the house, with my grandma's beef-tomato-okra casserole (I wish I had a name for it) as a main course. I hadn't planned on cooking much at all, but suddenly it felt so good to do. I hope this signals an upturn in my attitude too. 

Housemate 2 and I watched another couple episodes of Agatha All Along tonight. Rewatching it on the big TV downstairs is helping me catch a lot of things I didn't notice before, especially for episodes I watched on the shattered iPad. I wish I had energy to keep going and get up to date on the big screen. I also want to find images of all of the costumes online somewhere. Not just stills from the show, but closeups of the stitching and fabrics. It has been thirty years since I had a costume design company, but that doesn't mean I don't really geek out on this stuff.