I spent the day feeling heavy and spent after my primal scream last night. The blog might not have sounded like a scream as I unburdened myself, but trust me, on the inside my voice was as raspy and desperate as the Gregg Allman I referenced, or as frantic as Janis Joplin screaming in Piece of My Heart, but still as choked and tearful as Ian Axel crying Say Something. Once I unburdened myself, I went to bed early (1 am is early for me), and stayed in bed as late as I could get away with it this morning. I felt hung over and feverish. I carried the heaviness with me most of the day, and admitted to myself that I felt broken. I can't believe I'm going through this a second time this summer, a second time by myself with no family members to lean on in the house. The stress of dealing with another terminally ill pet has combined with the stress of living alone for so much longer than I bargained for, and the last week has been a major drag.
And then I read the internet. I got the news first from my younger daughter's status, that our beloved actor, comedian, and wild card Robin Williams died in an apparent suicide. I am absolutely crushed, but at the same time, his horrible action makes me realize, I have a lot more coping mechanisms than I was giving myself credit for all day. Yes, this situation I'm in makes me feel legitimately depressed. But I do believe it is situational. I am cognizant that I will not be alone forever. My man will come home, and I will feel much less lonely. Cricket will pass, but I will have had weeks to say goodbye and prepare myself emotionally, entirely different than if she had perished in an accident. Next year will be difficult and frightening for me, if we cut loose our moorings and go full gypsy wanderers, but at the same time, it will be an adventure with the man I love, and that will make it all possible. No matter how lonely, anxious, or even depressed I think I am, I am no where near as desperate as Robin Williams was last night. I'm heartbroken that he felt there was nothing left for him anymore. I don't think a single one of us who read the news a few hours ago wouldn't have been there for him if he could have asked us.
Maybe feeling trapped inside the house was adding to my funk. It poured rain yet again today. I can't believe how hard it has rained, nor how many days in a row. I lived in arid states for so many years, I really never learned how to process this much precipitation. It's humid and stinky and oppressive out there. I am so grateful to my neighbor's son for coming over again today with his riding lawn mower, before the rains came in the afternoon. With everything on my plate right now, having that little act of kindness to help pull away the stress made him my hero of the day. It took him about fifteen minutes to knock out what would have taken me well over an hour, not counting the cool-down break in the middle. If autumn arrived tomorrow, I'd happily wave goodbye to summer. August just makes me ill. A certain soap and candle shop in the mall had all of their fall line out yesterday, when my friend and I went in for a sniff. There might be a couple pumpkin-scented things in a bag on my right, just waiting for the nights to cool down, and my mood to improve. Come this autumn, everything will be all right again.
Depression is insidious. I am speaking 'first person' here. If we put on a happy face so as to not bring others down, no one else will suspect a thing.
ReplyDeleteAnswers - I have none. If you have a true soul mate, open up and ask if you may lean on their shoulder for a while. Some will accept you, and, sadly, others will simply walk away. For your own sake, let them go!
I will make one bold suggestion - Reach out. Some of us ‘put on a happy face’ and live out our entire lives in this state. We simply attempt to cope with the abyss by ourselves. Others will reach a crisis and reach out. Sadly, others will choose an exit.
Doctors: they are human beings and are fallible. Some are truly wise and caring people who make their patients’ health and happiness their own passion in lives. Others have missed their calling and should be selling vacuum cleaners or used cars. Your gut-feelings will tell you. You do not owe a loyalty to anyone that does not make you feel good about yourself. You may have to change doctors several times before you find the right ‘fit’.
Ultimately, it is up to us. Family friends, and doctors can push us in the right direction, but they cannot heal you. It is a tough and lonely road, but if you truly want to get rid of the demon, you may have to 'let go'.
What often frightens us more than anything else is concern for the people we love when we recognize that they too are coping with the presence of the demon. You may feel that you have no strength left. But we are all in this life together. Be the one who offers the shoulder to lean on.
I finally have a doctor I can trust implicitly, but it was a rocky start between us. When we first arrived here, and our first meeting made me think I had to train up a new doc to believe that PCOS is real and affecting every level of my life, I walked away from him and spent a year not going back for any reason, then bouncing through other docs in the clinic, until by accident I landed back with the first guy, and realized he was on my side all along. If I need to go to him with anything, I know we will get to the right course of treatment. And next summer, I lose him when our employment situation changes again. It will be tragic.
DeleteAs for the rest, when I started blogging a year and a half ago, I was a mess. I was sick physically, I was emotionally drained, I was overstressed, women I thought were my friends had turned on me like the cruelest of sorority girls, and my man was leaving for a year overseas (and I didn't even suspect it would be extended). Forcing myself to write every single day, without fail, has allowed me to confront every demon inside of me, honestly but with humor and self-acceptance, and frequently with pictures. At first I thought it was saving me, but now, I've gone way beyond just getting my head above water, to flying higher than a parasailor in Acapulco. It made me strong in ways I never imagined, and it made me unafraid of the days I do feel down. I have turned into my own best therapist, a skill I suspected I had but could never prove until now.
Joe, thank you for your feedback. You are very insightful, and it means a lot to me that you're really reading and getting the things I'm trying to say. What you've offered here and on Facebook has helped me view more sides of the subjects I'm exploring, and I appreciate that.