Peaceful

Inspirational song: Change In the Weather (John Fogerty)

I needed a break today, and I seized my chance to take one. The house was crisp and cold when I finally rolled out of bed, much later than I usually do. Summer is losing its grip on northern Colorado, and I am here for it. I wore a new soft sweater that I bought more than a week ago. I had been watching the weather report and counting down the minutes until I could wear it in comfort. Rather than locking up the house, trying to block out heat, I left the front door open, cool air coming in through the screen, and I snuggled under a super soft fleece blanket while I drank coffee and went through my morning news and apps. When silence became too much, I turned on streaming music, and listened to fun stuff like Mike Nesmith and Charlie Robison. The outside world couldn't touch me, and my blood pressure stayed low. It was glorious.

I loaned out my car to the Mr today, so he could take care of maintenance he needed for his own vehicles, and I stayed put in the house. All of the things I needed to leave home to do will be there tomorrow. I don't need to rush for any of them. There is an enormous sense of peace in recognizing that this is true.

I don't have much more to offer tonight. I plan to sleep with windows open but fans off. I expect to be wonderfully cold by 3 or 4 am. I look forward to it.

When the Energy Runs Out

Inspirational song: Get Together (The Youngbloods)

It wasn't a one-time deal. That baby has figured out how to move! She wasn't as nimble today rolling from back to front, but she definitely accomplished it a couple times. Still not on video for her mommy. But I captured the front to back and sent it to her. She also has gotten pretty skilled at wiggling and scooting her belly around to capture whatever toy held her interest.

Her sleep and wake times are changing. She stays alert much longer, but the tradeoff is she gets so much more tired when her energy gives out. She had serious cranky fits. But snuggling, snacking, and rocking to Moana seems to work in a pinch.

On a whim, I bought fun stuff at the grocery store, and offered to cook it for the neighbors tonight. It turned into an extended evening of video games, game shows, and Flight of the Conchords. The Mr and I are as tired as that cranky baby, but the magic of music is keeping us from crying like she does.

New Tricks

Inspirational song: Roll Over, Beethoven (Chuck Berry)

We have a new skill! Dino was hanging out on her play mat, looking up at the dangling toys while she hugged a blanket. I was sitting on an ottoman, looking down at her, while I texted with her mama. Next thing I knew, Dino just arched her back, and rolled over onto her tummy. It sank in what she had just done, and I wrote my daughter to tell her, and snapped a couple of pictures. Dino rolled back to face up, then back over onto her belly. She seemed pretty proud of herself. But when I tried to video it? Oh, no, grandma. We are done now. It's cranky time. I couldn't get her to reproduce the event on video. I hope she showed her parents when she got home.

While all three of us girls were hanging out after my daughter got off work, the postman delivered a box to the porch. For once we have good news about the post office! The package arrived a whole business day ahead of the estimate! We got lucky. Inside we found homemade masks, a big fuzzy baby blanket, some jammies, and a bib that reads "I love Auntie." My other daughter sent a lovely care package. For that, Dino was very charming on video, to tell Auntie that the bib was right. She does love her Auntie. I just hope they get to meet face to face while she is still little.

Doggone

Inspirational song: Move It On Over (Hank Williams)

The battle of wills has begun. Or more accurately, the battle of my patience versus two dog bladders. I'm hanging out on my neighbors' back patio, using their wifi, waiting for two of the three dogs to pee. The neighbors went to the mountains, and I darned near forgot that I was to take the dogs out before bed. But it eventually occurred to me I had a task, and I came over here just before 10. Jasper, the poodle, had no problem heading straight out into the yard. Barley is sitting with his butt on the threshold of the back door, looking at me like I murdered his parents, and Hops is hiding behind me like I'm the only thing keeping the monsters at bay. Boys, just pee so we can all go to bed. Seriously.

It has been a very doggie-centered day. The Mr made a quick trip up to his cabin, and Elsa was just certain that she was supposed to go too. When he left, and she was in the back yard, she had words for me. I let her look out front to see the truck was gone, and I think my heart shattered watching her figure it out. Poor girl. Maybe next week.

I got a message this evening that is both exciting and anxiety-producing. My puppy will be allowed to come to me when she is two months old, rather than three. The owner of the ranch spoke to her vet, and she said it would be just fine to let them go a little sooner. Now that means I need to finish setting up my house for the best chance of successful training. I need to clear all obstacles between my room (where I will set up the crate) and the door, plus buy a wire pen to put outside the crate for a place to put down pee pads. I guess I ought to roll up a few of the throw rugs for the first few months too.

I don't think I have had a puppy this young since Booka, our German shepherd/Chow mix, more than twenty years ago. He was the most beautiful pup, but he slipped out through a gap in the fence, and our daughter and the neighbor kid ran after him, and watched him get hit by a car. (We were lucky that one of them wasn't hit as well.) I will need lots of guidance training the new dog. I guess it is time to find out whether there are in-person basic classes happening yet. I have that personal trainer lined up, but she might be better utilized as an advanced instructor. So much to do, so much to do.

Roles

Inspirational song: I Say a Little Prayer (Dionne Warwick)

There really aren't enough metaphorical spoons on the planet for me to clean my whole house at once. I have to work it in small bites. But bit by bit, I'm making some progress. I kept pushing at it all day today, thinking that the game was going to be here again this week. It was not until straight up seven pm (our stated start time, that we rarely meet) that I learned it would be next door. I mean, it's not a huge surprise. The new lady of the house next door is very allergic to cats. But she had stated that she wanted to start getting exposure to them little by little, so she could build up a tolerance (same theory as allergy immunotherapy shots). So I thought tonight was the first attempt. 

By the time it was decided to go next door, I was used up. I was cranky and sore and I caved in and took my first pain pill since I started this brutal diet. Then I packed up my chicken and vegetables (actually bruschetta chicken and fresh pickles), and trudged over there. I was too sore for the first hour even to be able to hold the baby. Eventually I loosened up, and got some quality grandma time.

In this game, my daughter plays a character who is a cat accidentally enchanted by a sorcerer, who can transform himself into an 8 year old human boy. She plays him with all of the personality quirks of both a child and a cat. My character is a very large woman (tall, that is, an Amazon), who feels like she needs to keep taking all these smaller creatures under her protection, including the cat-boy, the halfling, and the new gnome who recently showed up in need. Today, she felt compelled to follow the cat as he split from the party exploring a snaking set of caves, to make sure he didn't get in over his head. I played it like I was chasing Harvey around the house, rattling a treat bag and whistling, until I found him, and then calling him by the obnoxious nickname we use when Harvey is hard to catch ("shitgibbon"). As both my daughter and I really commit to this role play, by the time I got home, I felt like I needed to chastise Harvey, who really hadn't gone anywhere, at least not in the last few hours. Need to do better separating game from reality.

Time

Inspirational song: A Day in the Life (The Beatles)

How is it possible that sleeping most of the way from mid-afternoon through almost eight in the morning, with only a few periods of lucidity, was not enough to make up all sleep deficit ever? I was groggy over my coffee, and I still needed a nap at three this afternoon. If this doesn't clear up, I might have to take a critical eye to my medication changes.

I goofed royally this morning, but got away with it. I was still in my robe, halfway through my coffee, when my phone alarm went off. I was supposed to be in Boulder fifteen minutes later. There was no way that was going to happen. I managed to call and postpone my appointment by an hour, so I could actually shower before dressing, but I spent the entire time I was down there apologizing to everyone for my error. I've felt off my game ever since.

On my way back, I got sidetracked long enough to play with the baby while her mama cleaned house. She was charming the entire time, and was more engaged with crinkly baby books than I have ever seen. Every time I see her, she has learned some new trick or skill, and this is the most fun ever.

Make Up

Inspirational song: That's the Way It Goes (George Harrison)

Whoops. I just woke up, at quarter to midnight. I had been feeling sleepy since two this afternoon, and had been nodding off here and there. I had to run to the pharmacy at four, and was worried about not being awake enough to drive the few blocks there and back. I managed it, and tried valiantly to stay alert even when I was home. I can't say I succeeded the whole evening. I let the Mr get Chinese takeout, and I ate a broccoli beef, sauce and all (no rice). I just couldn't get worked up to say no to anything. And then I fell soundly asleep in front of the television for a solid three hours. I'm awake now only long enough to take off my street clothes and swallow a pill. It's amazing how serious your body can get when it decides you have been running on fumes too long. 

Now, back to snuggling with my Murder Floof.

Cautious Optimism

Inspirational song: I Wouldn't Want to Be Like You (Alan Parsons Project)

It has now been five days since I made a few tweaks in my routine, and I am starting to think I'm not imagining the improvement. I'm sleeping just a little better, and having just a scosh less pain. If this is real, I hope it lasts.

I went in for a follow up with my primary care today. Since we last spoke I was (to steal a phrase from a friend) "stuck in a tube and blasted with science." I then visited two specialists, who each offered new therapies and explanations. We went over test results and paths forward, and I feel like we are on a good track. I'm going to see how some new medications treat me, and whether I can stick to my diet routines well enough to make progress. There is a new sense of optimism around me, or at the very least, calm acceptance.

With decent rest, I'm getting a leg up on my basic tasks, almost as if executive disfunction isn't a thing. Emails are getting answered, phone calls made, and even my contract addenda are going out early. I almost don't recognize me. 

Tempting Fate

Inspirational song: The Wheels On the Bus (Verna Hills)

After all the activity of the previous few days, today this little piggy stayed home. I needed a down day, and I took it. I washed a few dishes, put away some laundry, and made chili. Other than that, it was me and YouTube in a committed relationship all day. I watched a little Dingo Doodles, some cleaning motivation vids, and a lot of dog training stuff. I'm still nervous as heck about the first week the puppy will be here, but I'm making plans well in advance, so I'm not caught flat-footed in October.

I was the only one home, though. The Mr and the neighbors went for a sporty drive through the mountains, to put the new springs and "summer top" on the truck through their paces. He planned to show them the rough dirt road where he had one of his most spectacular wrecks, the year before we met. (I shall not be recounting it here. It still stresses me out to remember.) I knew I did not have the energy or inner peace to go up, so I wished them well and reminded them that there would be dinner waiting for them.

I contacted them as pet dinner time approached, and all seemed well. There was no hint of distress at that time. Then about two hours later, T texted our group chat with a photo. Apparently when Mr S-P swapped out the wheels on the 4runner, with larger seventeen inch rims (he says it's easier to find tires that way), he didn't get one of them on right. Or maybe it was that the existing tires were out of balance. Whatever, it created a bit of drama. T's girlfriend A heard a noise, like metal bouncing behind them, and spoke up just before the last remaining lug nut gave way and the front tire fell off. By the time they sent the photo to us all, they had gotten it cobbled back together and were continuing down, but T's face when they got home spoke volumes.

I am so, so glad I stayed home.

The Champ

Inspirational song: We Are the Champions (Queen)

My feet are dead. I think they just fell off halfway through the last giant store my girls and I walked through, and I just stumbled around on stumps ever since. Between yesterday with my foster daughter and all day with my daughter and granddaughter, I walked more miles than I have in over a year. Still, for all the fatigue, I wouldn't trade a minute of the last two days for yet another boring day hanging out in front of the TV.

We didn't make a plan to bring the girls on our Costco run this morning, but when the opportunity presented itself, we happily changed course. We kept Dino in her carseat, and I pushed one cart with just her in it, while grandpa loaded up one for just groceries. It was a close thing, remembering not to buy too many bulky items, since we were in my little car, with two more bodies than usual. Right as we were paying, our daughter whisked Dino off to the restroom, just in case she needed to be freshened up. Yeah. We waited and waited and waited by the exits, until finally I went on a rescue mission. Apparently the 2020 Champion Pooper reclaimed her title once again. She ruined her clothes and made my carseat a bit messy too. It was bad enough that when we came back to my house, she had to have a bath here while I dug out the few remaining 3-6 month size clothes that I hadn't sent home with her already. I also found a hooded towel that her mama used way back in the day, and we talked about recreating one of our favorite pictures of me and her. That will be forthcoming, very soon.

The girls stayed for lunch, and then we hit another big store on the way home for some crafting, food, and pet items. Dino was snoozing through most of that store in the stretchy wrap-around carrier. When we got to the car, we discovered that the Champ struck again. This time she shared the love with her mommy. So the first thing we did upon arriving at her home, while I carried in the stuff we had brought, was for her mama to take her upstairs for more cleaning and a third change of clothes. I had forgotten how much laundry a person this small can generate. But when you are the reigning champ, it is to be expected 

One Month

Inspirational song: Puppy Love (Donny Osmond)

I just did a little back of the envelope math (so to speak), and I realized my puppy is now one month old, today. Two months to go. I have been lurking on the Twitter page for the ranch where she is coming from, desperate for a glimpse of her, and this morning I caved in and nagged the de facto matriarch of the ranch for some fresh pictures just for me. She sent a bunch of them, and all I could do for the next ten minutes was sigh and squeal and flip back and forth through the whole sequence of them. I just love her little face so much. And her coat. And the whole concept of this tiny floof, who won't be tiny much longer.

I shared a handful of pictures with my family. My mom and daughters appreciated them well enough, but the Mr just isn't ready to be enthusiastic about her yet. He is just resigned. I guess it won't cheer him up at all to see that I have bought her first squeaky toy, to go with the collar and enamel bowl I got last week. Thinking of getting the leash that matches the collar too.

I think I have explained a little about the ranch, but it might be worth me mentioning again their mission statement, and why I'm so glad that I'm getting her from this place. The Tenacious Unicorn Ranch is an alpaca ranch in Southern Colorado, and their purpose is to provide a safe space for trans people who need a refuge from the violence and discrimination that threatens their community. If you support their right to live in peace, perhaps consider donating to their GoFundMe that would allow them to expand and take in more people in need. If you don't appreciate their expressions of self, then perhaps consider living and letting live, and understanding why they feel they need a refuge.

Real Life

Inspirational song: Kiss the Girl (The Little Mermaid)

Oh, right, this is what it feels like to have a full, packed day, and to make it through to the other side still feeling sorta okay. It's lovely. I hope to have more days like this.

I probably could have made my North Denver doctor appointment into a telemed visit, but the phone calls just didn't line up right. It's all for the best. I really enjoy the company of my rheumatologist, and being able to read her body language and the subtleties of her face in real time helps me communicate better. Telemed stresses me. I think we got a lot accomplished at our quarterly visit. Trying something new, to address the fibromyalgia, which might end up being super necessary. I have lost faith in the mail order pharmacy, both because of the wanton and deliberate destruction of the post office, and the fact that they screwed me over with no notice on my lupus meds. Thanks to a certain snake oil salesman, I'm still going to have trouble sourcing them through the local pharmacy, but at least they respect me enough to give me a phone call and keep me informed on progress.

We watched the baby today. We watched her fuss, and eat, and poop, and laugh, and sleep, and repeat in rapid succession. She didn't get nearly enough sleep, and wow, that baby is a champion pooper. I am pretty sure every cat in that house sat on or near me at least once while I was there.

I had to leave early to meet up with the home inspector for this current deal. Neither of my clients could get away to deliver the check to pay him, and I volunteered to do it. I mostly wanted another chance to be in the townhouse. I absolutely love the space. It feels very good. Also, I met a new inspector today, just a few weeks after the boss put out a call for us to update our trusted tradespersons list at the brokerage. I will definitely be adding this fellow to the list. I think he did great work and communicated everything clearly.

And I even got to go back after and play with the baby a little more after. This is the life.

In and Out

Inspirational song: Politicians (Hoyt Axton)

I feel like I'm running into a room, slightly out of breath, gesturing with my hands as I say, "Okay, I gotta make this quick. I'm running way late and I have a ton of things to get to." We had our smaller game night tonight, and I have come to understand I missed a heck of a night of barn-burner speeches. I recorded it, and I need to get watching before it gets too late, so I have an idea of why everyone on Twitter are absolutely gushing, up to and including a comedian I adore putting up a photo of herself dissolving in emotional tears.

We still have one member of our group playing remotely (two in the bigger one), so we still have the laptop hooked up to the TV. Apparently the guys plugged in a new extra-long hdmi cable, so the game leader can actually sit comfortably and have all their tools spread out. I sat on the couch side, disturbed by what I was seeing. Finally I asked, "Why is the TV crooked?" The Mr said, in total seriousness, that it wasn't. I took a picture to document the very not-straight television. I'll tell myself this wasn't gaslighting.

Okay, I have very little else before I go watch speeches. I was amused by the way my cats have been draping themselves over furniture lately, from Harvey looking bored while we played, to Athena loving when I leave the new bed in its upright position. This is a superior perch for her floofy beauty.

Dog Days

Inspirational song: Who Let the Dogs Out (Baha Men)

As the months roll by and Zoom meetings become more routine and less like a strange invasion to our home spaces, I am noticing people are getting more casual about the normal rhythms of their houses. Meetings seem like we have just dropped by for lemonade and gossip, and when the baby comes in and starts to climb on guests, we just open our arms and keep the conversation going. The relaxed nature goes from bottom to top. We have come a long way since we were scandalized by the one expert interviewed on CNN whose kids burst in his office room, one little girl marching in with her chest puffed out, and a baby in a walker behind. That guy, and his wife who tried to pull the kids off camera, was mortified, and was a viral sensation. Now the teevee people don't give it a second thought. Stephen Colbert has opened how many shows joking with his wife off camera? Jimmy Fallon gave his wife and little kids tons of air time. Even now-official nominee Biden crashed the end of Dr Biden's convention speech tonight, to give her a hug and to wave at the camera. And today on our Rotary Zoom, our presenter (a restauranteur who transformed her business into an admirable non-profit feeding hungry people in Milwaukee) had to wave off interruptions multiple times during her program.

And then there are the dogs. All the dogs! I can tell you cable pundit John Heilman has two gorgeous great danes. Some guest on a tv show this afternoon had her dog barking in the background, and all three people on screen just smiled at it. Bringing it back to the local experience, as we all started popping in to start the Rotary meeting, five or six dogs were introduced to the group. I live for this content. 

I do wish our house was a little more dog-friendly for the pups we have. Poor Elsa is feeling every hour of her thirteen and a half years. She sleeps almost all day, and her hearing is nearly gone. She stays on the back stair just beyond the sliding door, and doesn't seem interested in engaging much outside of mealtime. She is getting a bit senile, and often she sees a open garage door or poorly latched gate, and she just wanders. Sometimes the neighbors find her, sometimes the City. (The City is less forgiving than neighbors.) Murray doesn't get to come inside often, because he has to be carried and then convinced to stay on a washable bed. He is the king of the yard, and tells everyone in the alley about it. If we are still meeting entirely by Zoom in October when the new puppy arrives, I expect I will never be off mute during meetings again. But you know I will find a spot in this house with no fancy imported rugs, so I can sit near her and show her off to everyone who Zooms with me. (For the record, I think the photo I have stolen from the Twitter feed of the ranch is actually her. Might be her brother who looks like her. I choose to believe it is my pup.)

Catch Up

Inspirational song: You Better You Bet (The Who)

It should not be surprising to me how little routine maintenance gets done when the grandbaby is here. There's a reason the kids ask me to come over once in a while to hold the baby while they clean house. She takes all the attention available, convincing us that she must be touching a human at all times. So nothing but Baby is allowed to occur in her presence. I've had to play catch-up ever since she went home yesterday, and I just now, at bedtime, feel like I'm getting back up to speed.

With the baby in arms, I couldn't even do computer work to build the file and calendar for the new contract. I can't begin to picture how offended she would be while I downloaded all the disclosures and sent them up to the HQ, paying closer attention to a laptop than a baby face. All that is done now, as is another big jump forward in house cleaning. I can pretend this feeling of being on top of it, and the relaxed attitude that brings, will last, but it won't. Baby will be back mid-week, and the cycle will start all over again.

I've pulled up the tiny little cradle, in favor of the play mat the kids brought over. I figure in another three months, we will swap for a playpen, in the same spot. Dino is growing quickly (although exactly on schedule). The cats adapted quickly from assuming the cradle was for them, to taking turns on the play mat. Jackie gave me a smug look when she took it over this morning, and in my head I could hear that movie with the Somali pirate threatening Tom Hanks as the boat captain. She looked me right in the eye as if to say, "Look at me. I am Baby now." If there is a playpen by autumn, will they sleep in that too?

Falling

Inspirational song: Lost Generation (Rizzle Kicks)

At the end of a solo babysitting weekend, I am a total zombie. I can barely raise my arms. I can't think clearly. By late afternoon, the grandbaby was getting upset with me for being so tired that I had a neutral-bordering-on-RBF expression on my face, instead of mirroring her silly smiles. I didn't mean to scare her, but smiling was starting to use up too many spoons.

I'm sure part of my fatigue is my own fault. I haven't been getting every single medication I'm supposed to, although I am getting more than half. I tried to refill my lupus meds last week, and thanks to the dangerous hijinks in Washington, I'm still having trouble with the main one. And what with this nonsense of intentionally crippling the post office, I can't count on getting them quickly enough from the mail order pharmacy. I see the rheumatologist Thursday, and I'm going to ask to go back to the local pharmacy for six months or so, and just hope that they can get their hands on hydroxychloroquine for me. Otherwise, it may be time to see whether any of the scarier, stronger lupus drugs are available to me, as they are not currently being pushed by a snake oil salesman.

I've decided it is so stressful living through 2020, that staying on the ultra restrictive levels of that diet is unwise. I'm not going back to indiscriminate eating, but rather transitioning to a more average keto plan. I have given myself back dairy, and I expect to cave in on coffee any day now. I'll revisit the Hashimoto's plan after New Year's, maybe. I had butter on part of my dinner, and I'm still sitting here feeling like bits of my world are finally falling back into place.

Conversational

Inspirational song: With Arms Wide Open (Creed)

That little baby is really packing in the charm these days. She is miles away from having words, but she makes the best little noises. Today was my baby sitting day, and we had hours to chat and exchange smiles. She loves to pretend she is standing, even though she can't do it under her own power. She stomps her feet, and she especially likes doing that when music is playing. She must be going into another growth spurt. She ate non-stop. And she wore me out, by the time her mommy came to pick her up. I didn't have grandpa to tag-team with me. He's off on another one of those wacky-car rallies. Team Killer Rabbit is at it again. He has been sending me spectacular photos of a large first fire in the mountains near the rally site. It is a terrible sort of beauty. But nothing compares to that beauty who spent the day with me.

Coming Attractions

Inspirational song: The Government Totally Sucks (Tenacious D)

Y'all.

I have been keeping a secret a full week, and it has been killing me. But now that I have told all the stakeholders, and insiders who should hear this first, I am ready to let the cat out of the bag. Or dog, really.

More than two years have passed since Bump died, and after a proper mourning period, I started thinking about who the next dog might be. I have been dog mad for ages, and trying so hard to wait until there was another opening here. It has been over a year since Rabbit died, and I think between Rab and Bump, there is a large hole in my heart, and it's ready to be filled. And conveniently, my daughter showed me pictures of large puppies who needed homes. I asked to see a girl puppy who would be available for adoption, and they sent me a face I fell in love with instantly. She was still just a bean in the initial picture, and in a week, she has grown so much. I haven't experienced a moment of doubt that she is my girl.

The pups won't be ready to leave their mama for two months yet. So mine will be coming home to me on my birthday. After being miffed at me for a solid day for making the decision to move forward without his input, the Mr is mellowing enough to have put me in touch with one of his old military buddies who is a professional dog trainer. And this is a very good thing, because this dog isn't going to be just a pet. I have come to understand that eventually my autoimmune conditions will progress to the point where a service dog will be a huge help. Since I don't have tens of thousands of dollars to drop on an already-trained service dog, I have to grow one myself. It makes sense to me to start now, while I still have some ability to do so. It won't be cheap, but it will cost a lot less to do it this way. Plus, I need to bring her in while she is a baby, so the cats consider her less of a threat. Athena can be a jerk, to say the least.

The pup is coming from the Tenacious Unicorn Ranch, in Southern Colorado. I spend a lot of time watching their Twitter feed for new photos and videos of the big pile of puppies. They are giant white fluff balls, with varying degrees of black and gray accents. Mine is one of two with the most speckled gray on their heads and front legs, and black ears. She has an all white butt, while her matching brother has a black ring at the base of his tail. While shopping for cat food tonight, I found the perfect collar for her, to honor the place of her birth. It's pale blue with rainbows and unicorns on it. Perfection!

But while I wait, I just play with the little girl who will grow up hand-in-paw with the new puppy. She was a rock star when they dropped by tonight.