I had to resort to a murder ballad to help me coalesce all the vague emotions that refused to become a blog tonight. I'm trying hard to come to terms with making the awful decision of whether to force Cricket to give up her valiant fight to stay alive. I am learning every day how little of her personality and mental state is left in that shell of a cat. Her current state is no way to live. But I am not a strong enough person to end it. So I keep waiting, wondering how much more of this both she and I can take. She's like a goldfish, only concerned with the next feeding. I get a glimpse of her old self maybe once a day, and it doesn't last long. Most of my time with her is watching her run back and forth across the counter, sometimes slipping into dishwater or off the edge, completely forgetting that she just ate a mouse-sized lump of wet cat food. What is her stomach telling her?
I need to take back the immediate halo around the house as well. I'm tired of feeling trapped in here, afraid of all the spiders. The news anchors joked about it being spider season last week, and I thought they were dreadfully behind the power curve. It's been spider season here since late June. Carlotta is looking like she is slowing down. Her legs are less golden and more brown now, and her web is much messier than she kept it through July. She was plump after her giant grasshopper meal last night, but still seemingly clunky and slow in appearance. I wonder how many of the new spiders all around are her progeny. But she's not the biggest one of the lot. The monster on the front porch has her beat by a generous amount. And the smaller girls above her net appear to have had a disagreement. I was afraid to get too close, but it looked to me like there was a battle to the death, and the loser's corpse was still in the net.
The two black cats stay very close to me. I begged them tonight to stay healthy for a long time. I'm done with illness. I'm sick of it, so to speak. Luckily they seem spry and active. Athena has turned the concept of the cover monster on its head, and decided that she will kill it at its source. I'm going to have to start wearing steel socks to bed.
I'm so worn out by all this waiting. I have felt trapped in the house as long as Cricket has been in swift decline. Once it is all over, I'm going to need some time away from here. And probably a bottle and a shot glass.
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