Should Versus Want To

Inspirational song: Needing/Getting (OK Go)

I spent the last couple days in an angry, sad funk. I have an immense amount of work that needs to be done inside the house and out in the Park, but I have adamantly refused to be a responsible adult while I moped. I didn't even eat right, caving in and having fast food twice, and a single slice of cake when I finally grew up enough to go back to the grocery store to restock. I've told myself that what happened this week was out of my control, but that didn't help mitigate the guilt and frustration over not being able to keep one or both kittens alive. (They never called me back from the shelter, so I must assume that either Eva didn't make it, or they decided I was not trustworthy. Either way, I am not pleased with the situation.) 

It took one brief disruption to totally throw off all the balance and positivity I had so carefully cultivated this spring. I even failed to make it to the Y to start the weight routine or continue the water aerobics I had begun. Eventually I found a small reserve of motivation to drive over there today, and when I arrived in the early evening, there wasn't a single car in the parking lot. Apparently their traffic is so slow on Saturday nights that it isn't worth their while to keep the place open until six o'clock. So I drove home, regretting the gasoline and time I wasted. If nothing else, it left me with the need to do some sort of useful physical activity, so I mowed the front and the shady part of the back before I had had quite enough of the mosquitoes and quit for the night. My neighbor came out and chastised me for doing physical labor, and all I could think was, "you're not helping." I have written about it before. Yes, I was sick. I am not currently, and to be stronger I must be allowed to work. But naturally I said none of that. I just redirected the conversation to other topics.

There are some signs of heat stress and animal damage outside, but generally things are holding up pretty well. Summer officially starts next week, so I still have months to keep it all going. I'm still confident. I just have to remember that I'm the grown up around here, and no one is going to come along and take care of it all for me. I will do what I should, not just what I want to.