Working the Optics

Inspirational song: Barricades (Pat Green)

Piece by piece, I'm chipping away at the wall of carpets in my living room. The last few weeks, I didn't have the strength to fight against the closing gloom that was holding me down. I finally made myself cut down a few boxes, carry them out to the garage (where they will eventually go to recycling), and fill and move a couple of the highest plastic tubs of rugs out of my visual space. I need to do a lot more. I expected the expansion of visual space to make it feel less enclosed in here, but now it just feels messier. I lived with it for far too long, when I couldn't rally myself to push back, but that time has ended, and I have a lot to do to clean up visually and mentally. Right now the change just makes me dizzy. I am surprised at how badly I dislike it.

I committed myself to at least making an effort to change my routine and get myself back out into the world today. I'm feeling particularly vulnerable about the method I chose, and I can't even guess at how well it will be received. My expectations are very low, even though I have told myself it's just an experiment, to see whether one of my dreams for the future is worth pursuing. That dream would mean a lot of work and a lot of money, and this is a chance to test the waters without committing to a million dollar mortgage. (I really have no idea how much it costs to open a rug shop here or in Colorado, so that is a random number I threw out there.) Maybe it is just this low place I'm in visually, in a hopelessly crowded, messy space, that is making my mental confidence equally low and negative. I really need to escape this view. After everything that has happened since late June, my heart feels as raw as if I had scrubbed it with a rusty steel wool pad. I need to see new things and talk to new people, and try and forget how horrible the last few months have been for me.

I don't think I want to show any photos for tonight. Until the entire wall of carpets is moved, and the whole room is clean and sparkly, the camera will remain off. I need to get back to work. I'd like to feel like it's a whole new place when I come down for coffee in the morning, and see it with fresh eyes.