Today was not how I expected to spend my birthday. My horrid mood is back, and I spent the day trying to exhaust myself in the back yard. I made some progress on clearing up bits and pieces of the deck and immediate surroundings, but I still have hours of work to do. I tried to find comfort in the outpouring of texts, calls, Facebook greetings, and face-to-face conversations today, but there was none to be had. What I needed to hear, I never did, and I never will. I'm headed down a road of unpleasant conclusions, and I don't think there is any way to turn around. I've made peace with that.
Many years ago, I had a friend I spoke with almost every day. We talked about all sorts of things, and I thought I could trust him. As the years went by, however, he changed, and all conversations became increasingly unbearably irritating. One day, I had had enough, and whatever he said was the last straw. I found myself about to excoriate him publicly, with all the pent-up anger and frustration ready to bubble to the top. I was getting well and truly spun up, when suddenly I stopped myself, walked away, and did yardwork, just like today. Once I created distance between me and the conversation that angered me so violently, I decided a little more time and space would be better. And then a little more. And it went on so long, that I decided never to go back and talk to him at all. I felt bad about disappearing, without offering an explanation, but in the long run, the clean cut was what I needed. Not long after that, I saw something he said, "They say that silence is golden. Sometime it just feels like golden showers." I know that was about me, but I still didn't speak up. As horrible as it feels to be on the receiving end, as I am right now, I still think that it was the right thing to do in that situation.
I cheaped out on my birthday dinner tonight. I had some inexpensive veggies and the last bratwurst in a package, and a half a bottle of wine that has been sitting in the fridge for over a week. I've had far more extravagant birthday meals, but I just wasn't up for one tonight. As it was, I mostly ate to soak up the effects of all that wine. Maybe this weekend I will feel more like celebrating. For now, I just want to smell the eucalyptus that came from the Bonfire leader's garden, and then head to bed.
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