Contrary to the tone I prefer to take when I write, not everything here is fairy tales and flowers. If you think it's easy to live more than a year without your spouse, try it sometime. See how long it takes before you are angry, lonely, depressed, insecure, or despondent. I've cycled through just about all of those over the last year or so, some more than others. Today was a perfect little storm of all of them. I don't feel that it is necessary to assign a root cause, other than the daily solitude that has been my life since April of last year. I try very hard to keep a positive attitude, especially in public, but on days like today, it's a very good thing that I wasn't in public longer than it took to mail a package.
Somewhere in the middle of the day, I hit the limits of what I could tolerate, and took a vacation from myself. I left all of my electronics inside, and found a trashy romance novel that had fallen behind the couch (I sort of knew it was there), and went outside with it and lit the tiki torches. I have been out here ever since, save for a few necessary trips inside. On one of them, I heard myself missing a phone call, and I took the phone outside so I could hear the voice mail of the Ford dealership telling me my car was ready to pick up. I should I have put the phone back inside after that, because its silence just brought back my bad mood full force. Little faces stared at me through the door, and I relented, letting the kids roam until full dark. I just now captured the last little black cat, who thought she could hide in the shadows from me, and now I'm back with all the candles lit, and fairy lights twinkling in the tree. If they can flicker and blink away my blues, I will let them. I wasn't really hungry, but I convinced myself that a barely-warm piece of beef was necessary, so that it didn't spoil in the fridge. It's probably a good thing that I didn't have access to a five pound bag of M&Ms or gummi bears, because I would have destroyed one of those. As it is, I've been nursing a second round of sweet brown liquor, waiting for good feelings to creep in. I'm still waiting.
I prefer to be positive, and even better to be funny. I don't like crawling up in my misery, but some days it's unavoidable. I'm not perfect. Far from it. Tonight I don't want to be perfect. I want to rail at time to pass faster. I want to go to sleep tonight, and not wake until that day in the future when my family is complete again. I want this to be easy. But since it isn't, I want to wallow in my lonely grumpiness and not have to play nice for anyone.
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