From the time I was very young, I was intimidated by the concept of infinity. It particularly bothered me when applied to space and time. I could never accept that the universe went on forever, without ending. There must be something beyond the edge of space. And how could my young mind wrap around the idea that time simply began, and that there was no clock ticking before everything officially started? Anytime I tried to imagine that there was nothing before time, or nothing beyond the edge of space, my head would buzz and feel heavy. I couldn't stand it. I was very linear, very literal, and I wanted a clear, math- and science-based answer to what was beyond infinity. I didn't want to take anything on faith.
Somewhere in high school, my math classes became more complex than my attention span warranted. I was more interested in picking apart the human experience, searching for the meaning in everything, and less in finding proficiency in calculus. Thus I never went on to statistics or physics, or anything beyond that, even though I probably would have enjoyed it. Every once in a while I think about going back, and starting over with math, probably with that physics I never had. For now, I will listen to those who have done all the math, when they present me with the explanations I craved so much when I was a child. I still don't have a solid, easily-repeated answer to what existed before time, but oddly, I worry about it less now. The more I listen to my heroes, Neil, Carl, Michio, Brian, and the rest, the more peace I find when I think about the vastness of time and space. I unwind. I stop worrying about whether I am making the most of my life, according to a bank balance or to the judgement of others. I remember how incredibly short and small my life is, and how the best thing I can do is to use all the energy I consume and produce for growth.
During my teenage rebellion, I used to think that the smallness of human life compared to the vast cosmos was a viable excuse to do whatever I wanted. What did it matter who I associated with, or whether I was a little young for the alcohol in my possession, when the universe went on forever, and in 500 years, no one would ever remember me or what I did. I don't know how the change occurred, but now, that vastness is my reason not to need any negativity in my life. Life is too short to hate people, to cheat people, to be less than who I really am with people. I am still learning how to do it right, how to live this way all the time, but now I have goals that mean something to me. I feel it every time I give in to the impulse to create something, with the hope that it gives a little of the positive energy I'm feeling back out to the universe--an infinite feedback loop.
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