It's a lot harder than I thought it would be, trying to shine a light in all the darkest corners of my mind, all at once, to make notes and an outline of everything I want to write. It's too big. It's unorganized. I'm overwhelmed, and it's starting to slow me down. I've got about seven pages of coded references to stories so far, little phrases that hint at much larger events. Not sure whether any of it will end up being as interesting as I thought it all was. I'm having a crisis of confidence, one of many I will experience as I travel down this path. In my stronger moments, I know I can tell this story in such a way to make it compelling to read. But getting past the roadblocks, to the frenzied stream of consciousness writing that I know is coming is the hard part. I think I know what will make it flow: wine. That's what got us going when I was in Oklahoma. It's too late to start drinking now, but tomorrow, after my appointments are done, all bets are off.
I couldn't say whether it was the extra cup of coffee this morning, or the steady improvement of what I hate to flippantly term diet and exercise, but I found myself feeling awfully good today. Like dancing around the house, making the dogs follow me in confusion good. Two years ago, I was miserable. I hurt everywhere from my frequent migraines to the soles of my feet. I thought I was used up. It's amazing what a year or two of self-discovery can do for one's physical well-being. I might fantasize about the occasional soft, sugar-coated jelly donut or triple-crispy, batter-dipped fried chicken, but I sure don't miss the stomach pain, bloating, and the general feeling of malaise that would return in a New York minute if I ate those things. I don't always feel like doing the home exercises that Bones assigns me, but discovering that strengthening and stretching the muscles in the low back actually does help alleviate plantar fasciitis in the heels compels me to follow his directions. Pain is an incredible motivator, and the lack thereof is addictive. I don't have to take drugs to kill pain. I eat real food and move in ways that keep me strong and flexible, and all that crap that comes with a standard American diet just vanishes. I wish I'd thought of this five years ago, when my stomach hurt so bad I was begging my doctors for any kind of relief (including asking my surgeon to just physically look, while he had me open for pelvic surgery.) There was nothing there, just bad food. And the worse it felt, the worse I ate. I hurt so bad, the only thing I was willing to eat was handed to me through the car window -- just Coke and french fries. No really. I ate that as a meal every other day. I can't imagine doing that now. The pain in my stomach is gone, as is the crazy amount of bloating. The desire to drink sodas has mostly gone away. The answer was there all along. I just had to be ready for it.
I keep checking on the beautiful little lemon tree I planted in a pot and put on the deck last week. It came with five small green lemons on it, and a trio of bud clusters that have bloomed and smell amazing. Today I found something odd. I read that Meyer lemons need a lot of sunlight to ripen, and can take months to ripen if they don't get enough light. So how do I interpret the tiny yellow fruit I found on it today? It's no bigger than a pea, but it's fully yellowed. I'm almost tempted to pick it, and keep the Barbie-sized lemon. It's adorable.
While I watered yesterday, there was a mostly-blue dragonfly buzzing around the deck. I've heard those traditional sayings that dragonflies are like ghosts from your past coming to visit you, which I admit I think is sweet. I saw the blue on this one, and thought how similar in color it was to the blue in Torden's eyes. And then this afternoon, I noticed that hapless dragonfly had gotten snagged in Carlotta's web. It took her at most a couple hours to completely finish him off. There's no sign of him in the web, or of the two June bugs she ate yesterday. I've seen pictures of these kinds of spiders actually eating birds. I am terrified that by Labor Day, I'm going to come out and see her chowing down on one of my cardinals. She's a force of nature.
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