Up and Down

Inspirational song: Spinning Wheel (Blood Sweat & Tears)

It has been a roller coaster of a day. My highs were high, my lows abysmally low. My pain levels have been all over the place, from many of the top of the pain chart, back arching muscle seizures, to "If I stay in this position and don't breathe" relaxing poses. I never know what to expect minute to minute. The simplest things cause spasms, like dipping my chin down an inch so I can reach my face to scratch it. But by the same token, this evening I got myself out of bed with only modest effort, and while I was up and standing in the comforting arms of my walker, I rang for a nurse's assistant to escort me on a tour of the premises. By the time I returned I was tired, needing a session with an ice pack and my nightly valium. I can't tell which direction I'm going, forward progress or setbacks.

I had more pleasant company this afternoon, plus some phone calls to family. I felt more connected than ever before when I was in the hospital. Yet still the Mr faces delays getting home, so I don't know whether he will come see me when he hits town or not. I hope he does. The nursing staff here continues to be excellent, but I haven't felt like my case is interesting enough to the MDs. Once ortho saw the x-ray was clear, he signed off and lost interest. The hospitalist breezed in today and repeated last night's ER threat of nursing home for physical therapy. I asked about an MRI and got blown off. I have asked Mr S-P to be my patient advocate, because I'm feeling like no one believes me when I say for myself that this is not normal pain. I'd rather find out what the actual injury is, and then set about fixing it, rather than just sending me down a typical back pain care routine, of telling me to lie on my back, stretch my knees to my chest, and do a few bridges until I stop bothering the busy people. (For the record, I am absolutely unable to do either move, not even if I tried to power through the pain.)

I did have a pleasant meeting with a physical therapist this afternoon, but mostly because I had taken norcos and gotten into a sitting position ahead of time so I was limbered up and ready to shuffle down the hall. I was exhausted and sore by the time she set me back on ice, and now the norcos wore off and I'm starting to cramp again. The shampoo from my shower today is making my scalp itch (yay allergies), and as I write, every time I reach up to scratch, my back spasms. I can't win.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I think it's time to let the valium do its job and lull me to sleep. I tried coloring in the book my sister-in-law brought today, but I can barely focus my eyes. Boy, I'd like to be able to stop the meds and fix the problem rather than masking it.