I see where this all went wrong. Last time I made an extensive, hyper-detailed to-do list, I made it for six days' worth of activities. I made another one less than a week after that one concluded, but I was too ambitious. I wrote it for the last week of April, going through May 15. I put too much on it, and now looking at it makes me sick. Before, I was able to look at the insurmountable amount of crap I have to do, and I could prioritize and knock out almost all of it by the midnight Saturday deadline. This time, it hurts too much, and I'm even more stressed than when I'm just juggling all of these conflicting tasks in my head. I can't sort anything out, and I can't make enough progress. I'm barely marking anything off the list, even though I feel busy all of the time. I hate this.
I'm tired of going to bed over-tired. It is probably obvious how often lately I'm completely loopy while I'm trying to blog. I am afraid of going back and re-reading what I've written. I have been in a stupor for most of them for weeks. It might be a result of adjusting my medications over the last few months, or it might be how much I'm jamming into a day (whether successfully completing a single thing or not). Last night, my head was lolling about, and my eyes kept rolling back in my head. Whenever my chin hit my chest (repeatedly), I jerked back awake for a few seconds, for a few sentences. I need to reorganize my nighttime schedule and make things wrap up sooner. (For the record, I tried to start blogging earlier tonight, and my laptop refused to acknowledge input from the touchpad. I had to restart it and wait and wait. Good thing it's a touchscreen, so I could make it do what I was forcing it to do.)
I have been trying to pull back on how many things I agree to do since last summer. I failed immediately, when the Rotary club nabbed me for a new job. I've gotten rid of most of that job, all except the newsletters, but I still feel a stressful amount of obligation there. I have things that I want to do for myself, and I keep putting them off, because I still have so many projects, so many irons in the fire. I'm trying to filter out the big stuff, and knock out as many little things as I can along the way. I'm going to have to make much smaller lists, covering no more than a few days, so I can triage them better. I'm craving organization and peace. I don't need any more sources of anxiety.
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