Magic Beans

Inspirational song: Oliver Cromwell (Monty Python)

All last summer, when I was as sick as a chemical cocktail could make me, I rarely left my bedroom. Hell, I rarely left my bed. So why is it that I feel like it was easier to find new things to write about back then? I'm in reasonably tolerable health. It's one of the best time of year, when the world turns green (and pink and white and yellow). I have lots of things I could be doing. But wow, it's difficult to find motivation to do those things, and when I do, it's hard to remember anything five minutes after I'm done. And that doesn't even factor in how impossible it is to keep track of days and dates.

I let most of this day pass in a haze. I was in one of two bathrobes until late in the afternoon (and a swimsuit in between the two). I didn't have to cook, electing to eat leftovers instead, so I didn't have my usual fallback to feel useful. It's harder for me to do the same sort of work from home as everyone else, having been mostly out of my career field for the last year and a half. And now all the required in-person activities are actively discouraged by our regulatory agency anyway. (And I'm pretty sure I don't qualify for unemployment, even with the expanded qualifications, because I was too sick to work at all last year.) I'm a little freaked out about which way to go now. Do I restart my career, that had only just gotten rolling when I found the lump in my breast? Do I try to find something with fewer recurring costs, that I can do from home? Working a regular schedule outside the house isn't possible anymore, with new autoimmune diagnoses turning up every year. I wish I had the answers. If this global crisis doesn't focus my mind well enough to find a clear path, I'm not sure anything can.

Until I figure it out, I will keep doing what I've been doing for seven years (anniversary is this month). I will write stories about my tiny piece of the planet. I will garden. I will wrangle furry quadrupeds. And I will wonder why I could never turn my words into income. I've written the equivalent of about 2500 pages so far. And I gave it all away for free.