Talking on the phone has freaked me out as long as I can remember. When I was little, living in base housing in Germany, we didn’t even have a phone. I think I spoke to my grandparents in the states fewer than five times in three years. By fourth grade, we were back living stateside and had a phone, and I tried to get used to this weird communication tool, but I never really took to it. In the ensuing gazillion years, I wanted to tolerate it, but I barely do. I go through phases when it’s too much. The anxiety over a single call can take me out of commission for days, with a nauseous stomach, headaches, and sharp, stinging skin. I don’t know what gets me spun up the most about it. It’s a toss up between not being able to see the face of who I’m talking to (which is how I get most of my cues when I’m trying to understand words and implied meanings thereof) or the horrifying habit I have of tripping over my own tongue. I write well. I speak poorly.
It is with this emotional baggage that I have arrived at the current cultural moment. I enjoy solitude, but I do still need human interaction. The whole country, and most of the world, is rapidly converting to all digital meetings, ready or not. The addition of video ought to help me out with one of my stated discomforts, but it adds the new wrinkle of being able to see myself on the same video, filmed from bad angles with bad lighting. I spend too much time and attention trying to look anywhere but my own face on the screen, finding it traumatizing to have to watch myself talk.
I’m growing used to the Zoom meetings, of which I’ve now had four in a week, and the Discord group chat for our D&D games. We have experimented with Google Hangouts, and discovered that with Twitch we can stream Jackbox among our various homes (including bringing in T’s sister from another state, which has been fun). I’ve even called my BFF who moved out of state last year on the regular old phone. I don’t expect ever to like communicating this way, but some contact with people is better than being completely cut off. I will take what I can get.
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