Rock It

Inspirational song: Hips Don't Lie (Shakira feat. Wyclef Jean)

Earlier today, I had some sort of inspiration for this evening's episode. Try as I might, I now only have difficult to grasp, misty impressions of what it might have been that I was thinking. I just have a picture in my mind, of a dress my mother made for me when I was a sophomore in college. It was made of a slick, jacquard-woven, black fabric, in what I suppose would be considered a "mermaid" shape. It was really lovely, body-hugging, and it flared out in a long ruffle from just above the knees to the ground. For all that it was sexy as hell, I was so desperately body conscious, I never wore it in public, even though I had asked her to make it from a pattern I had chosen. I was in the best shape of my life that year, maybe 15-20 pounds over dead center of the outdated insurance weight charts for my height, but enough of it was muscle that I looked so much better than I ever knew. I think the memory was sparked by channel surfing, when I caught a few minutes of an Alicia Keys video. She was wearing something that hugged her curves, absolutely confident in her sex appeal. If I could go back in time and shake some sense into that self-loathing 19 year old, I would do it. I would force her to rock that mermaid dress, at the band banquet or Valentine's Day dance, or whatever it was I got it for. How could I not have known the problem was all in my head, not in my hips?

The older I get, the less self-conscious I get about appearance, but I still have a few lingering hangups. I should be well past the age that I feel like I have to compete based solely on appearance. I am comfortable in my own skin, but I still feel the pressures of a culture that worships youth and thinness as the most important currency a woman should have at her disposal. I love fashion, and want to wear things that are modern or classic, to drape myself in beautiful colors and textures. After all these years, I still let myself focus sometimes on numbers and sizes, rather than only on how I feel in my clothes. I know better. I really do. One of these days I will win this battle with my self. I am already determined to be "that" old lady, and wear whatever the hell I want to. I need to practice my fashion confidence now. No reason I can't get a head start at it. I wish I still had that mermaid dress.