I was promised a Christmas present that would really suck. Tonight, I acquired it. In the ten or eleven years since I bought my last vacuum cleaner, my home has housed thirteen different cats (not all at once!), three permanent dogs, and several transient dogs. Picture a battle-scarred veteran, still in his tattered fatigue jacket from Nam, eye patch (I'm imagining Kurt Russell in an eye patch, FTR), sitting in his wheelchair, knocking back shots of Military Special brand vodka. This was my old vacuum, facing the brand new private in his brand new box, waiting to be assembled and put into active duty. "Kid," the old vacuum said, "I've seen some shit around this place you wouldn't believe. Better learn to embrace the suck. It isn't going to get any better than this." The old Kenmore was great for pet hair, and it was relatively quiet. But it needed filters that are harder to find now that there are fewer Sears stores and when I could find them, they were 20-25 bucks each. One of my kids took it apart back when we lived in Charleston, to clean out a wad of hair or something, and didn't get it put back together exactly right. Ever since then, it hasn't rolled without a fight. When the roommate was here over the summer, he tried to take it apart too, and had no more success with reassembly than my kids did years ago. The beater brush stopped engaging correctly, and it would only suck intermittently, which is not what you want a vacuum to do. Today the brush refused to engage at all, and I had to accept that it was time to retire the old coot. He served us well, but this theater of war against fur, hair, dander, and dust was just too hard on him. If I had a bugle, I'd play Taps as I carried it out to the alley for trash day.
I had a little trouble putting the new Bissell together. There isn't a bright light anywhere in my living room, and the illustration for assembling the vacuum was faintly drawn. I eventually managed it, but I have a piece left over that doesn't fit on board. I hate that. It's great that I have this optional corner tool, but there isn't a place to put it on the vacuum itself. So it will go in a drawer in the utility room, to be forgotten for all eternity. But other than that, the new vacuum appears functional, if somewhat louder than the Kenmore. It was on sale, and reasonably priced even without the sale. If I can get another ten years out of it, with a smaller cadre of humans and quadrupeds living on the premises, then it will be a bargain. Plus, it's a washable filter. Double bonus points right there.
I've used it once, and it did a decent job on the Chinese rug. I wonder whether I ought to do a serious product review, considering my home and the number of animals who live here. Do you suppose Bissell would sponsor me if I did? I didn't think so either, but it would be fun if they would. For now, I'm just happy to have a functional vacuum again. Maybe soon I'll have all clean upholstery and carpets again.
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