Home to Stay

Inspirational song: Cold (Annie Lennox)

Dammit.

Dammit, dammit, dammit. I wanted it not to be true. I wanted the neighbors' description to be wrong.

We went back to the Humane Society today, and waited while they went through the files from Animal Control. They found the report in the computer with the right street address, and they had an employee prepare the body for us to view. It was her. That was our tiny little Zoe Monkey on the table, under a blanket. And she was never going to cuddle with us again. Mr S-P pulled the blanket back a little farther than the tech did, and verified the one thing that held any comfort for us--she did not suffer. Her death was very quick. But it was much too soon, and it has ripped my heart open to have to accept it.

Before we went to the Humane Society, we went to the big plant nursery across the street, hoping to find the right tree or shrub to honor Zoe with. Like Torden has his Rose of Sharon and Cricket has her American Beauty Berry back at the original Park, we wanted something beautiful to put over Zoe. She loved hanging out under the neighbor's lilac tree, so we hoped there would still be a lilac for purchase this late in the year. We found two, although both look rough as they head into their cold-weather dormancy. One was more shrub-like, smaller, and it will bloom more of a traditional purple. The other is more tree-like, and it will have magenta-pink blooms. It was that one we chose to mark Zoe's grave. We will find a spot for the other in the front yard.

I have a lot of grieving to do. I can't process yet that she is out back, and never coming inside again. Her presence is still very strong in this house. We went out to dinner tonight with a good friend, something we had planned for two months. The venue was beautiful, and normally I would have been taking pictures and raving about the new hotspot. But it felt so wrong to look for beauty on a day when all my joy is now in a hole under a lilac tree. I couldn't do it. Someday I'll go back to that restaurant when my heart doesn't ache so much. For now, I owe Zoe the respect to feel the pain of her loss fully. I do.