Of all of the possible dumb things to do, driving home from the movie theater today ranks up there close to the dumbest. I should not have done it. But I had gone there alone to meet a friend, and had no one from my family to turn the key over to in order to get myself and my car home. I have been feeling kind of icky for a few days, and the nerve pain that was diagnosed as "silent migraine auras" has come back in force. (It's the reason I got Botox, but it didn't seem to last as long this time. I think I have more than a month until the next round. If only the appointment didn't vanish from my phone calendar.) Yesterday I took a pain killer that I'd mostly stopped using, and I needed a nap that left me super groggy. Today it wasn't so much pain as that feeling of being electrocuted, and I dug through my prescription archives, and took a couple of long-abandoned gabapentin capsules to fight the nerve shock. Again, I had a nap, without planning on it, and I barely woke in time to meet my friend at the movies. I can say with all certainty that the above-mentioned song (Jesus Built My Hotrod) was an excellent accompaniment to being late and driving slightly aggressively across town on a deadline. I made it before the movie started, and my heart was racing enough along the drive, listening to that song, that I could consider myself awake.
I made it through the movie feeling mostly okay, but starting to move at the end made me feel like I had to break through a hardened crust on my muscles to make them put down the footrest on the chair (yes, I insist on the theater with recliners for every seat), and standing was a good trick. I am glad that I asked for the handicap row so I didn't have to climb up or down any stairs, but because I did it minutes before the show started, they didn't quiz me on why I wanted it. It was the first time I asked for it, so I still have no idea what the criteria are to get it. Maybe that's on their website.
It was after the show that things went sideways. My friend and I talked on our way through the parking lot, and it was going okay, even though I was sore. And then suddenly it wasn't okay anymore. It was a struggle to stay upright, like I had just gotten off a really long roller coaster ride. I abruptly ended our conversation by explaining that I was too dizzy to stand. I staggered into my car, and started the engine, knowing this was borderline dangerous. I don't remember anymore the song that was playing as I drove home, but I remember thinking, "this is what would play on the soundtrack of how I died." Traffic was moderate, and I took the route home with the fewest turns or stops. I made it okay, but I felt nervous that it could go wrong at any moment.
Now that I'm home safe, I wonder how long I will have the confidence to drive as this stuff progresses. Will days like this happen more often? Is it just an aberration? I still feel dizzy, and creating sentences is hard. Making the blog read as a linear narrative is nearly impossible. I've gone through all sorts of medical testing for years, trying to explain why these dizzy spells come on, and the migraine aura diagnosis is the only answer anyone has ever given me. Everyone else said there was nothing going on. I don't believe migraine explains everything, and I definitely don't accept that there is nothing at all. I just wish I could find a real answer short of something catastrophic compelling it.
(I swear, I was at a red light when I took this photo. The car was not moving. I have no idea why it was so blurry. Maybe I had a fingerprint on the lens?)
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