There is a dim light in the distance, that is getting ever so slightly brighter. It's the light at the end of the "I Made Too Big of a To-Do List" tunnel. I've gotten through a huge chunk of the big ones on my list, and I'm finally focused squarely on the one that has caused me the most grief for the last two months. Try as I might, I couldn't gain any ground on it for the last four or five weeks. Today I had help, and it made all the difference. My foster daughter asked me what I wanted for mother's day, and instead of my old stand-by "a clean house that I don't have to create myself," I asked for her to come over and force me to spend hours on this project. She straight-up did some of it herself, but for the most part she was on hand for consultation and unending guilt so that I didn't just say "F it" (again), go sit in the hot tub, and put it off (again). She even promised to stand in front of the back door with her arms blocking my path to guarantee I stayed out of the hot tub until it was absolutely time. Her tactics worked. I made huge progress. I have every expectation that we are capable of finishing tomorrow, and then this will be off my plate forever.
I've been promising myself a prize once I complete all the big stuff on my to-do list. What prize? Yet anothere project, of course! But it's a big one, and I refuse to let myself start it until I've finished that things over which I've been foot-dragging and making excuses. There will still be weekly or monthly obligations, but I'm not going to take on any new activities or favors for anyone else until I've done this thing I've delayed for myself. I've been so good, delaying my own gratification for almost three months while I completed all the stacked up promises for everyone else. I think about my own project all the time, and I feel like no matter how hard I run toward it, I never gain ground to reach it. Not much longer now. I have this big thing to finish on Sunday, and then a couple of Rotary newsletters to go before I'm free. The end is in sight.
Once again I find myself at the end of a day feeling sore and more than a little bit muddle-headed. After the way things went in the middle of the last week, I'm actually sort of glad to be suddenly sleepy and droopy-eyed. I know it's the medications making me super ready to sleep by 11 each night. Without them, I'd be relying on pain killers and still having wild insomnia. I'm willing to put up with getting fuzzy and incoherent right before I need to be shutting off all of my electronics anyway, if it means no pain pills (essentially zero, when I don't get stupid and skip the nighttime dose that tells my brain to dump endorphins on its own) and a full night's sleep every night. All of this tells me that I'm on the right dose, or darned close. I can now tell the rheumatologist we are at the correct place with this, and I can have the pharmacist compound three months at a time instead of 30 days. I'll be saving money and feeling better too. I win!
My race is run for the day. Time to tune out and sleep as soundly as all of the cats around here. I think I'm the only one who stayed up late anyway. I can fix that.
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