Today could have gone worse. It could have gone a whole heck of a lot better too.
I watched the needle going into the breast tissue on the ultrasound monitor. That was a mistake. I wasn't able to separate the images on screen from what was happening on my own body, and it made it where I felt the procedure more than I ought to have. I also have a bad habit of conquering all lidocaine/novocaine/etc that is injected under my skin. Same thing happened when I had the skin cancer removed from my nose a year and a half ago. I felt way more than I should have then too. There was a lot of pressure while they went in and took the three core samples from the roughly inch-long oval mass in my left breast today.
The procedure itself went fairly quickly and fairly well. The tech and the doc were exceptionally nice and reassuring people. They projected an air of confidence that I found comforting. That doesn't mean that I enjoyed it all. I managed to keep myself distracted, telling them about my plans for my D&D game night tonight. After they took the core samples, I had to wait and have a follow-up mammogram, so they could mark where the small tag implant was compared to the surrounding tissue and to make sure the images matched the mammograms from two weeks ago. Then I had to wait again while they looked at stuff, to clear me before I went home.
They didn't let me leave the building without pulling me aside and having a private conversation. Pathology won't be back for a while, but the doc made serious comments about what he saw on a preliminary exam of the slides. They had a front office girl make me an appointment with a breast surgeon for next week in advance of the test results, just in case. I don't know how alarmed to be. But that leads right into my next paragraph...
Everyone reacts differently to things like this. If it's just a scare and it turns out negative, then great. Crisis averted. But if it isn't, I DO NOT WANT people to try to placate me while I wait. I don't like being babied and I don't like being told I'm overreacting. I've been through way too much "blood results are fine, there's nothing wrong with you" BS in my day. I want to be prepared emotionally to face bad results by understanding the risks, and if I'm pleasantly surprised, then I've dodged a bullet again. I need a plan, and I need to be aware of the possibilities. This helps me understand when they do give me the pathology results how seriously I need to take it all. It makes me far less afraid when I game out the scenarios. If it makes you feel better to tell yourself nothing's wrong, that's fine. You do what comforts you. You have every right to it. Me, I believe knowledge is power, and I want to receive the respect given to adults who are aware of potential consequences.
If this goes badly, as I said yesterday, I trust medical science. It would be work, keeping up with numerical values and learning a whole new language. I'm a strong adult. I can handle it. If it is a benign lipoma, then I will have a newfound appreciation for what people go through and I'll be a more evolved human who can offer comfort and respect to people whose results are less encouraging.
Results due at the end of the week. I'll be open about it, as I have been about everything else.
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