Every time I think I am winning, my arch nemesis agoraphobia comes back and kicks my ass for another round. I had the opportunity to go down to the coast and have a lovely brunch with a friend this morning, but I woke up feeling like hell after a sleepless night full of heartburn. I cried off. And ever since, I've retreated into that stubborn shell that makes it impossible to breach the front door. This has been a problem for so many decades, I can't remember when it actually started. None of my family has any understanding of what goes on when this happens. They can't comprehend that not only do I not want to go outside, I can't. My heart rate increases and my stomach clenches at the thought of going as far as the mailbox. They seem to associate my time in the house as boredom, which it certainly is not. Their usual reaction is talking down to me, telling me it's just a matter of getting up and going. I must need something to do. Moreover, I must WANT something to do. A couple times they have nagged me into taking jobs that I despised, saying it would be good for me. All those experiences accomplished was to lower my self-esteem, and make me so angry every time I saw someone who able to make a living in a creative manner, writing or singing or sculpting or whatever they found fulfilling. It never helped the anxiety that sneaks up out of nowhere and chains me inside.
I don't think it is the same as when I don't feel like facing the weather or the insects. Or, if it is, those days are the lesser cousins to the days like today. Some days I get caught up in what I'm doing, and forget to go out, or tell myself I will just wait for the heat to pass. Then evening comes and I happily breeze through the door. Not today. Today the anxiety was in complete control, and here it is, nearly time for bed, and I am sad to see how little I managed to do. Even writing was an imposition on my moodiness.
I am determined that tomorrow will be better. I'm heading north to meet with a friend who is vacationing on the Outer Banks, and she is willing to meet me halfway for a day of being silly tourists. I have decided that I will use today's inertia as a chance to regroup, resting long enough to build up a head of steam, so I can take off at higher speed tomorrow. I can't let my arch nemesis win. The war continues.
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