Most of the time, I'm completely at peace with this process, and I know it shows. I'm not worried about outcomes. I'm okay with the unpleasantries along the way. But every once in a while, right before a procedure, my nerves hit me. I'm visibly calm, but under the water, my little feet are paddling nervously. I have such a long, miserable history with IVs and needle sticks. I fare very poorly. Now that I'm about to get infusions on the regular, I have to get a port installed. It's not optional. Nothing will work right otherwise. But now that I'm less than 12 hours from the installation, I'm starting to freak out. It's a really good thing that they'll be saturating me with Versed when we start. I only hope that it calms me enough that I don't just chatter incessantly about dumb stuff. Not that I would know. I have zero memory of the lumpectomy, after I was set next to the operating table. For a port placement, I don't want to be alert, and I won't want to remember any of what happens.
I need to fall asleep soon. My show time is 7 am. Unfortunately, I can't take any sleep aids like I did last night, or I won't be out of bed in time. Picture me for the next four or five hours, staring at the ceiling, just like the lawn ornament I saw the other day, that I desperately want... (see photo)
No comments:
Post a Comment