On Display

Inspirational song: All By Myself (Eric Carmen)

I really thought that with the man gone for months, I'd have trouble with the quiet times. I don't seem to be having as many of them as I expected, so I have yet to really struggle with it. In fact, I'm starting to wonder when I will experience that all-alone feeling. I've been feeling quite conspicuous, actually, like I am on display all the time, and I find myself longing for privacy. Who would have imagined that, given my situation?

I have been very aware of how loud and boisterous my partner and I are in gyms. I don't think we are using our inside voices. We speak loudly, we take up a lot of space, and we have not gone unnoticed. The trainers at the Y are chatty, and other exercisers join our conversations frequently. I have spent my entire adult life hating exercising in front of other people, even my own children. Yet here I am, very early in my physical transformation, performing unashamedly for everyone, from gym rats and muscle men to other slightly doughy mamas.

I let my mah jongg master's dog out in the middle of the day, while she was out of town. She just had a pool installed (the only person I know with a real one), and told me I should take a dip while I was out there with the pup. I just couldn't bring myself to do it, with no one else home. You would think it wouldn't be a big deal. Her house backs onto forest buffer, and the way things are angled, there is really one neighbor who has any view into the yard. Yet still, as I pulled off my shoes and rolled up my yoga pants (I came straight from the gym) to cool my feet, I felt like the neighbors were watching, and I wondered what they were thinking. I don't even know that they were home, but I couldn't get over the feeling. I know, it's very paranoid of me. 

I certainly am not alone at home. I'm a crazy cat lady. I haven't got a moment's peace, not even in the bathroom. I have new little piercings on my legs from a kitten who thinks she needs to climb me when I'm at my most vulnerable. And all these Epsom salt baths are a group effort. Tonight I was surrounded by three very chatty girls who seemed to be concerned that I have been spending so much time immersed in water. I have confidence that their reaction would be much worse if I dared to shut the door.