I've been walking a fine line emotionally lately. I think I'm holding it together, and then I get swamped with something, like a wave of insecurity over today's fitness progress measurements (that thankfully didn't happen), or the prospect of going through all the fall holidays from my birthday to New Years without the man at home, or the worst one, feeling like I am on deathwatch. The old man cat is wasting away in front of me, and it is really hard to watch. He still tries to eat when things smell good to him, like when he gets chicken or eggs from my plate, but he has absolutely no interest in dry cat food that is available all the time. I don't think he is getting nearly enough calories. He is hauntingly thin. His face looks empty to me, like it isn't the one I have known for fifteen years. Every time he curls up next to me, I pet him very gently and tell him it is okay if he is ready to go. I am not going to stress him out with a trip to the vet, for a vain struggle against the natural and inevitable end. But when he puts himself across my collarbone, in the position he has insisted on since the week we adopted him, I often feel the kitten he was, and wonder whether he knows and whether he is scared. This is absolutely the worst thing I can imagine, watching someone you care about vanish before your eyes and knowing that it is wrong to stop it. This could go on for weeks or months, and I can only try to make things comfortable for him while we both wait.
I am having trouble compartmentalizing my emotions, between the separation anxiety over the old man, and the joy of having a baby in the house who has so many of the old man's personality traits. She is ready to be his successor as leader of the pack, and I feel guilty over him seeing her in action. I took her to the shelter today, for the same old reason, and this time there was light at the end of the tunnel. The foster program leader has taken to actually showing me the test kits (which I appreciate), and she showed where the culture did not turn red in the presence of the fungus, although it will be a few days before we will be absolutely certain the result is a true negative. The kitten is a chunky four pounds now, double the weight minimum for getting spayed. Once she is cleared for surgery, I can officially adopt her and stop torturing her with the car rides too.
I had so many photos yesterday from the trip to the plantation, that I didn't put up the couple I took here. Every time I think the weather is turning perfect for me to get back outside, I see more of the orb-weavers who scare the bejeezus out of me and keep me inside. My lawn looked like I had already decorated for Halloween yesterday morning, between black cats in the windows, a broken and bloody chair on the porch, and a yard full of giant white spiderwebs. At least October starts in an hour. I'm not too early to decorate.
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