Waiting for someone else to say words you want to hear, not knowing whether those words will ever come, is incredibly trying. It's hard at all levels, from waiting and hoping for big news that affects the next several years of your life, or wanting to hear I love you from someone who really matters, all the way down to expecting a simple thank you or nice job from someone you've helped. I'm needy enough to want to hear the words, and I'm insensitive enough to have failed to give them at some times when they were warranted. I wonder how many opportunities I have missed for my failing. I know I have walked away from people who couldn't give me what I needed.
This week has been all about waiting for big news, and about half an hour ago, I got the most annoying words of all: we need more time to decide. I had my heart set on getting the decision last Friday. I was just sure "middle of December" would mean the end of the second week. Then I thought today would be it. But no, tonight we hear that it will be a couple months more. Gee, this is just our future. Why would we not want to know right now, right now, right now? Of course that's not how the world works. So maybe in February we will our next path laid out.
I'm really wearing my stress lately. I went to have my massage therapist work out the knots in my neck and shoulders tonight. It was painful to endure, but necessary. It certainly wasn't relaxing when he pointed out the terrible spa Muzak that sounded like microphone feedback and a drum. I wish I could go back every week, so he could help me cope with the wait, with the anxiety of my kids living in close quarters and skirting the breaking point (if it's not technically crossed already), with me being the only human in the Park and the chaos that brings. I need that as much as I need a little feedback now and then from the people I touch. I need to know when I'm on the right track, and I need to know there are still people out there who notice me and care, even if it's just a little.
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