Inspirational song: Don't Speak (No Doubt)
I don't generally discuss arguments in this space. I don't like reflecting a negative light on my own life, nor do I like to speak ill of the people with whom I interact. But this one might be worth repeating, in the hopes of generating discussion, so I can see whether anyone else in the world sides with me on this. Maybe I am in fact way off base. But somehow I doubt I'm that far out.
I know I am not a scintillating conversationalist. I tend to get tied up in the barrier between my brain and my mouth, and I panic a lot when I talk. But this doesn't mean I don't want to try and participate in conversations. I often wait on the sidelines, waiting to find a place to break in. Sometimes I interrupt in awkward spots. I'm aware of these failings. What makes me a little nuts is when I'm watching other people have a heated discussion (usually political), and seeing them go around and around like they're spinning double Dutch ropes, and I have to plan my entrance well. Then, the moment I make my move, both spinners stop and shush me, saying, "whoa, Anne, calm down, you're too loud." This happens all the time, The Moment I Speak a Single Word. The other people will have been arguing loudly, energetically, but I, the one who waited to say anything, I am the one to be silenced. It happened again last night. It's incredibly frustrating to me always to be told to STFU, before I get a single sentence out. So when we got into the moving truck this morning, I was told that I "came flying down the hall and jumped in and attacked." I had been listening from the other room to a loud political argument for 30 minutes, and as I walked to the kitchen to get water to take my evening pills, I commented, and was immediately yelled at and shushed. Again. I tried to explain how demeaning this is, and I was told that I needed to modulate my voice. The way I heard this was that I wasn't being melodious enough for the menfolk to be willing to listen. It flipped my trigger switches to be told that I had to speak sweetly to be allowed to talk at all. When I said that this is like telling women that they must always smile or they'll be thought of as bitchy, apparently I was being offensive for voicing the feeling that I felt oppressed. I am in a no win situation. There was nothing wrong with my comment, he said, just the tone of my voice. So, what, if it doesn't come in a pretty, feminine, inoffensive package, it's not valid?
It was 3 years ago this morning that I founded this blog. I had had a rough night the night before, and I had needed to vent. Through this nightly essay process, I truly found my voice. I needed it more than you can ever know. I've spent so many years being shushed, by others and by my own conversational awkwardness. Writing here every night taught me how to hone my thoughts. It helped me learn to get words past the brain-mouth barrier. But it hasn't taught me how to adjust the timbre of my voice enough to be taken seriously in person. For all the progress I've made, I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere at all.
Sometimes you need to be gentel, soft-spoken and sweet to be heard it is true... But in most cases my dear cuz. you just need a bigger hammer. I find people who won't listen when I am pissed won't listen when I am not. Mjolnir is available for those whose hearts are pure and soul is worthy.
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ReplyDeleteI know we don't talk ever, but it makes this easier if I write like we do all the time. I don't know exactly how to put into words what trips my trigger, but you jumping into a conversation loud and aggressive comes close. It's more than just that though, what you say is very important. If you come across like your attacking, or even worse like your just using me for your whipping boy while you vent, we are done. There is no conversation. There is no more talking. And very likely there is no more me around to converse with.
ReplyDeleteFrom the practical side. When two people are engages in a discuss and it gets amped up and excited, it's a process. An exchange with both people participating and reacting to each other. A dance of a sort. Like a dance you can cut in, but if you just come in out of nowhere jumping in, it throws both parties off, and they usually react poorly in return. In your mind your following the conversation, participating, looking for an opening. But to the people engaged, you are doing your own thing and come out of nowhere.
I have two trains of thought here. The first being, if multiple people have told you that the way you enter a conversation is not effective, perhaps it's true. This may be a good way for you to evaluate your tone, your words, or your entrance into a discussion to see if there might be a more effective way to approach. My second train of thought is that if this all comes about simply because you're a woman... well, F that. Take an objective look at some recent times this has happened - if the way you discuss comes across poorly and has nothing to do with your gender, then fine - use that information to grow and become a more effective arguer. But if the response is based on gender and gender alone, then I say stand strong, woman.
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