Adulting

Inspirational song: Kid (The Pretenders)

I can't tell whether my writing sounds like I'm holding it together or letting my inner four year old speak her mind. I've tried so hard to be an adult about all this, but today it proved to be too much several times over. I keep having to excuse myself and go hide and let the emotions out. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be helping when I do that either. One would think that eventually you'd cry out all the tears you possibly can, but no, I seem to be quite adept at making new ones. I know this is the biggest mistake of my life letting go, but I'm not the one in control of this situation. So much has gone wrong in my life in the last three years or so and no matter how hard I try, I can't wake up out of this nightmare. And I don't like it when people keep saying things about how it's time to shake off old negative influences or hit rock bottom so you can go back up or any of those unhelpful platitudes. I'm sick of catapulting from one stressful tragedy to another. I want to be healthy and I want my marriage back. This sucks and I'm tired of it.

I want to be happy with the things that have gotten done. The flagstone patio has turned into a wonderful hangout space for all of us, and we've had dinner out there the last two nights. I rearranged the chairs so they were balanced, put out a small table, and filled the hanging baskets with clearance rack flowers. But as perfect as it is, it makes my stomach twist to know it will only be used a few times with the one I want to share it with. We hung the last of my new solar fairy lights over the hot tub, and again, I'm left with that same feeling of time running out now that it is finally set and ready. We needed a trip to Target tonight, and found a tiny grumpy gnome on a stake that I bought and set in the Unless circle, and I threatened to name him after Mr X. I joked that I could pretend he was still here and I'd go talk to him all the time. But even that joke just made me feel that much more desperate. I'm trying to hang on to a sense of humor and to be appreciative for all that is being completed, but with each item checked off the list, I just get sadder and sadder. There's no helping it. I'm just going to be a kid this week.