Miffed

Inspirational song: Bitch (The Rolling Stones)

As the cycles of emotion roll through, I'm starting to wonder whether the reason I'm finding the strength to power through might be because a little anger is starting to creep in. I've had a few less than charitable thoughts over the last few days, and I don't feel guilty over them. Yeah, I played a part in what happened, but I am absolutely not entirely to blame for the demise of my marriage. And when I look at the big picture, I have every reason to be angry for how a whole lot of this played out. I used plain English to express an awful lot of my concerns, but they were dismissed, rejected, or misunderstood over and over. Yeah, I had my own communication failings here and there. I could have listened more. I could have said more. But more often I spoke volumes and it did me no good. I had very real needs that received zero respect. For that, there is a spark of resentment, and it might be what is powering my recovery.

I surrounded myself with my new friends today. My Rotary girlfriends pulled close to me, and said Good! when I told them the slow breakup had finally come to completion. My writers group had no idea what had been simmering under the surface, and they were surprised and a couple even expressed shock that anyone would leave me. I know I'm not perfect and won't claim to be, but that still soothed my hurt a little. I don't want to think about the people who may be gathering around him whispering the converse into his ears, telling him how glad they are that he escaped that bitch who always complained about being tired and wanting to go home from parties, who hated that he ignored her...

I let myself be happy today too. I didn't cry in public. I smiled and laughed. I talked about the future. And I let people entertain me. We had a potluck dinner tonight for writers group, and it was truly fun. I brought prosciutto-wrapped, goat cheese and sage-filled dates. It was at the home of one long-running member of the group who had a huge yard with the sort of garden that my new Park may grow up to be. They had zones of flowers and vegetables, decorations everywhere, including colorful objects all over the fences. They had a "duck pond." (See the photo.) And like me, they intentionally feed the squirrels as well as the birds, although they've taken it a step farther than I have. They went ahead and screwed big steel dog bowls to the tops of some of their fence posts, to fill with squirrel corn. They even had a chubby corgi who did NOT want me to take his picture. The home owner was a former piano teacher, and the husband of another group member sat down and entertained us with jazz and mid-century standards. I have always envied the ability to play freely like he did, by ear, improvising and blending one song into another (like running Georgia On My Mind into Blue Moon so seamlessly that we had to be sure we'd heard the transition). It was nice to feel like resting and celebrating with friends again.