What It's Going to Be Like

Inspirational song: Nothing But Flowers (Talking Heads)

I guess all those years of living alone while the man was deployed have trained me well for this day. I'm fairly certain I did not use my voice until well after three o'clock this afternoon, when I told the felines that it wasn't yet time for their dinner. I spent the entire day leading up to that in relative silence and stillness. And quite against my expectation, I was calm and composed. I'm pretty good at denial, so that might have been what was at play here. That, or I'm taking this way better than I expected to. My money is on denial.

The house was quiet front to back, even beyond my unusual reticence. No barking, no sounds of landscaping, construction, or packing. I had all the time in the world just to listen to my own tinnitus. Not my favorite activity in the world, but inescapable for the last thirty years, so I've learned to live with it. I could have done without it today, however. I used to live in such a bustling house, and now all I have left are me and the flowers that Mr X surrounded me with to say goodbye. I remember watching the movie Red for the first time, seeing the Bruce Willis character go through a day like I have, living alone with no reason to talk to anyone or anything, in an empty, silent house, and I pitied him. I thought then about how much I would hate that sort of existence. Now I see that stretching in front of me, and I wonder how I can avoid it. The Pride will help, especially since Rabbit has been so needy, running laps around me and demanding attention, all while she growls and throws shade on the other three felines. And having a housemate will help some, when he is here and not working. I got used to having a husband home to talk to too quickly. I need to unlearn that behavior just as fast.

I got antsy by days end, and persuaded my housemate to go to a movie with me this evening. I needed some unbridled escapism, and decided the Independence Day sequel was the right source for it. Lots of explosions, lots of unbelievable plot devices, and lots of cameos by actors from the original movie. It was the perfect vehicle to take my mind away from reality for a couple hours. Now I'm back and the house is quiet except for the sound of window fans and fireworks outside (which I'm fairly certain are not allowed in this county, but I'm not going to nitpick). At least for two hours I was in a hustling, bustling, science fiction world. Now I'm back to a garden. Perhaps I'll go sit out in it and learn to enjoy the stillness.