I feel like I ought to do the math. If I started this blog on April 20, 2013, which translates to day 110 on the Julian calendar... So 365-110, uh, 255 days of blogging that year. Plus 365 in 2014, 2015, and 366 in 2016. This is October 7th, so... (changes to the other window where the Julian calendar is still up)... day 280. Put that together, and it's 1,631 days in a row of feeling obligated to find something meaningful to say. Let's estimate at least 130 days of saying "Geez, y'all, I got nothin'," and meaning it. One night of being incapacitated after major surgery. So out of 1500 nights of actually trying to be interesting, what's my track record of success? It probably depends on who you ask. I'm probably super proud of between 15-20%, that I would hold up as examples of the best that I can do. I'm satisfied with at least 40% more. I have phoned in a handful of them; I cannot lie. And I swung and missed on the rest.
I've been chatting with an old friend of my mom's, and today we talked about whether it's really a thing that going under anaesthesia messes with your brain. She and I agreed that it does, and she has heard doctors back up that assertion. I have massive gaps in my memory, that have compounded after every surgery or endoscopy. I used this blog for years as a memory vault, telling stories from my childhood, teen years, and young adulthood, before they were gone forever. I'm glad I did it. Forcing myself to slow down and remember has helped put some of the synapses back in touch with each other. But since I have started writing nightly, I've had one surgery, and two endoscopies (yeah, one each...). Three more big hits to my brain function.
The new neurologist told me that it was silent migraine that was causing a lot of the misfires in my brain. I've been dealing with frequent bouts of vertigo for years, and lately I've noticed that I'm having a harder time than before getting my words out, whether speaking or writing them. I'm replacing words too often, and if I'm lucky they're homophones. Most of the time when I type they're just vaguely the same first few letters. When I speak, I have to walk the long way around my nouns, describing their function and purpose before I can find the word I'm seeking. The doctor's office was supposed to call me back yesterday and set up the appointment to inject Botox, which supposedly will shut off the migraines, and ostensibly stop the interference in my brain that is causing the vertigo and concentration issues. The experiment can't come soon enough for me. Every day is another blog in the toilet if I keep losing my words. I want to say things of value. I don't want merely to mark time.
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