Nerves are starting to get the better of me again. At times I approach this whole cancer thing like something I can opt out of. Oh, I don't really want to go through all that, I say in my head. I'll just pretend like none of this ever started, and I'll just stick with the autoimmune junk and the arthritis I already have. That's enough for me. Except it's not optional. Now that I've discovered that it's lurking in there, I can't make it go away by getting distracted about something else. It's going to absorb my whole world for a few months, and rightly so. I'm also having a hard time believing them when they say it's just going to be surgery and radiation. I spoke with a friend who went through this several years ago, and she said that they told her just radiation too, until she came out of surgery and they said yeah, it's way worse than we expected it to be, and now there will be chemo. I'll hope for it to be easy as they say, but I'm still afraid of it being a bigger deal than they predict. I don't feel like I got the assurances I needed when I brought up lupus in conjunction with breast cancer. I may not have asked the straightforward question of my surgeon, "Have you treated someone who has both before?" I also don't think anyone is taking me seriously when I point to the side of my breast, where it starts to turn into the chest wall, and tell them it really freaking hurts, All The Damned Time.
Tomorrow is my first physical therapy appointment for this stuff. They will do an assessment of me, so that they can come back after surgery and get me able to move as much as I can at this point. Ha ha, jokes on them. These days I can barely move at all. My muscles all hurt, and I'm not strong as I once was. I'm also not flexible anymore, which is really sad, because I used to be so proud of my limber muscles that were formerly as stretchy as rubber bands. When they called to set up the post-op appointments, they wanted to schedule several visits per week for three weeks minimum. I hated doing it, but I had to really push back against the person on the other end of the phone. I told her that I'd not be able to afford that many therapy sessions. Back when I had a twelve dollar copay for everything, I was a huge fan of physical therapy. Now that each time I walk through the door of any such clinic is thirty bucks, I have to choose my battles wisely. I allowed her to make five appointments, and I warned her I'd probably end up canceling some of them once I have an idea what exercises to do.
I'm cringing at how fast this is all going to add up, even with good insurance. If they do the accelerated schedule for radiation, they'll see me twice a day for five days. I've already been unpleasantly surprised at the double-sized copay for the biopsy. Should I expect the week of radiation to cost three hundred dollars... or six hundred? I have to hope they send me home the day of surgery to recover on my own. If I spend the night, it will cost me two and a half times as much. While this tumor was growing big enough to affect me, I completely ran out of energy and mental clarity. I barely worked at all through last fall, and almost not at all since. My savings are running out quickly. I've got to figure out ways to bring in my share of income while not having the energy to beat the bushes to find real estate clients. I signed up for a Patreon account years ago, but never activated it while I couldn't think up additional goodies to produce for supporters at various tiers. I've come up with ideas for it now, but I need help setting it up to where people can see the account and sign up. My foster daughter knows tons more about computers and coding than I do, so we talked it over tonight while the guys played games. She has set me up with a simple donation button on my page (not the mobile version, but the full web page screen), that links to my PayPal. This is specifically to help cover direct costs of cancer treatment, i.e. copays, medications, and non-drug products to help with pain (like special pillows). Once we get a chance to sort out the exact mechanics of Patreon, that will be set up for supporters of my writing, with bonuses available to subscribers at different levels (like special written content and handmade craft projects). I'll probably mention this again, as I get used to the idea of setting out a tip jar, rather than being an entirely unpaid creator of internet content. It's a big switch. I've never been good about asking for money, even when it is payment for art I'm selling. Now is the time to learn how.
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