Am I really expected to sleep tonight? I'm tired, sure. It will be quiet as soon as I stop watching old episodes of GoT. But there is no way I'm going to rest easily until they empty a syringe of the good stuff into my IV tomorrow. (Do I know exactly what this "good stuff" is? No. But in all the procedures I've had done under sedation, I haven't woken in the middle of much since that first time with my wisdom teeth when I was 19. I definitely don't want to wake up during this one.)
Without going into details about how I know this, I will say, on the eve of a vasectomy, I have known men who were given valium to help them sleep the night BEFORE the procedure. Because, you know, it's scary. Not once, in all of the medical procedures I have ever gone through, has any doctor tried to give me something to calm me the night before, so I was properly rested and emotionally prepared. Not that I ever asked either, but it always felt like a double standard to me.
I called to correct the medication mis-match this afternoon. I made sure they re-read my chart, to discover that I already had a prescription anti-inflammatory that I bought in bulk. I let them know I refused to buy the ibuprofen someone had called into my pharmacy, and I said, "If that's all I'm going to be given for having my nipple amputated, can I just take the stuff I already have, and maybe some Tylenol?" I think they got my point, and something more appropriate is supposed to get called in. I can't say that it will be ready before surgery, but at least the play is in motion.
I don't know how to relax tonight. I just don't. I have been able to put off really thinking about the details of what's coming for weeks, but the reality of what I'm losing is unavoidable now. I was more focused on just get to the point of removing the part that hurt. Now I am thinking about the parts I'm losing.
Gonna be a long night.
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