I probably shouldn't have allowed this day to get away from me. I only have four days before the last cycle starts. Next week could be anything, from as bad as the first down week to barely different than normal, but chances are I will be getting absolutely zero accomplished. I have a lot of short-term goals, and the best I could do in my limited available time was a little online research on prices and wash a few dishes. I learned that where to buy some of the materials for my D&D table will be the fabric store, not the craft store. I read reviews on a certain type of paint. I decided that regardless of the crappy condition of the reclaimed plywood, it's still a better value than buying fancy new wood. (Okay, yes, I'm going to have to sand the fool out of it, and I'm debating whether I can get away with spackle instead of wood filler since I'm planning on painting it, not staining it.) I studied the stack of wood outside, trying to gauge how much work will be involved in prying off the tongue-and-groove planks off of it. I think that part will be manageable, but actually picking up the heavy panels to work on will be impossible without help. I want to get started before my time runs out, but how?
Overall, I'm kind of amazed how dramatically I have rebounded since this cycle's down week. I still have a lingering cough that is uncomfortable, but otherwise, I'm feeling strong. For the first time in at least two years, maybe three, I feel like starting exercising again, just for fun. For fun! I don't have a whole lot of stamina yet, but I'm making time throughout the day to activate my muscles, however briefly. I'm sad that there's still one more cycle to go through, to interrupt this period of optimism and movement. I'm torn between fearing it will erase all my gains, and wanting to just get it over with so I can have true recovery.
I wonder how long the effects will last, once the last cycle is done, before my body completely shakes it off. Will I have hair by October, or will I be bald through Thanksgiving? How many months before the thin spaces in my eyelash lines regrow? I've probably lost all the weight I'm going to from being sick, but once I feel like walking long distances again, will I lose more, and will it go quickly or no? And possibly, the two most important questions, when will I feel like reading again, and when will I want to go back to work? Those two are intertwined. I knew there was a serious problem when I stopped having the focus to read even light fiction, and when I couldn't focus on a simple continuing education class quiz, on topics I had just had explained to me while I took notes. (That day was doubly embarrassing, because it was my boss who was leading the class, and I sat directly in front of him, paying attention, but when I looked at the words on the quiz, I couldn't read them to save my life.) I'm ready to have my brain back. That's the part I miss the most.
I'll try not to overwork myself this week, but I'm definitely feeling impatient for it all to end. I'm ready to be me again, after years of wondering who this alien was, piloting around my meat popsicle. There may be some permanent changes, but as long as the general trend is toward becoming myself again, I'll be happy.
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