Nothing has gone as I expected today. It was both far worse, and wildly better than I thought it was, all along the way. I struggled to wake this morning, and to eat enough to stop feeling agitated and shaky. When I finally sat down to eat, the kitten tipped over last night's water glass where it sat by my bare feet, and broke a large chip out of it. I was frustrated and short tempered, and I yelled at any animal who came near the glass fragments while I cleaned. I finally got to the Y to meet my partner, and my leg hurt so badly on the walk in from the parking lot, that I simply sat with her in the sauna, and decided not to work out at all. Instead, I called to see whether I could move up my doctor's appointment for the pain in my shin. I felt relieved not to exercise and sad to miss it at the same time. I have felt pulled in opposite directions all day.
Tonight was my monthly massage, and I needed it desperately. I had a lot of pain in my left leg, but I was terrified to let my therapist touch it. He did, gently as I asked, and worked out a lot of the fatigue I'd felt from compensating for the damaged sections. Once I had gotten past the part I was stressed over, I was able to relax. He did my back last, and by then I was completely at peace, and let my mind go anywhere it wanted. Where it went was to the details of one of the stories I have been wanting to tell, and I had huge breakthroughs on what the story will be, and where it will go. It's something that has been inside of me forever, waiting to be told, and now I understand why it has been bubbling to the surface lately. I just need to focus my attention long enough to start writing it down.
At the end of my massage, I felt more fluid than I have in weeks, but when I tried to walk around, I was so swaybacked that I could barely lean forward enough to reach my clothes. My hips were suddenly loosened so far that I almost couldn't hold myself upright to go home, and had to drive with the seat heater on high to work out the kinks. I came inside expecting to have a light dinner and go straight to bed so I could wake early for my medical appointment. I intended to watch one of the shortest shows on the DVR, so I wasn't involved in something so long that I wouldn't turn off in time to sleep. But instead, I selected a PBS show on the life of Siddhartha and his quest for enlightenment, and found myself putting my day, my last five months, and my life up for inspection and comparison to the stops along his journey to becoming the Buddha. It was a thousand times deeper than I expected to go tonight, but it has erased a lot of my fatigue, anxiety, and hot-headedness, just imagining that I am on the right path by looking inward in the first place. I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing right now. I am paying attention to what is around me, appreciating who and what I have every day, and I understand that what I am seeking is inside me for the taking. Who knew that a little time-wasting on the television could bring just enough enlightenment to erase all the doubts that had been building over the last few weeks? I think I will sleep well tonight, and find tomorrow a little less arduous.
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