The first spring after we planted a pecan tree in New Mexico was an agonizing wait. We'd put the tree in during the autumn, and it was not the mildest winter ever. I waited and waited for signs that the pecan tree survived. It was the most expensive tree I'd ever gotten to date, and pecan trees are a particular favorite of mine, having grown up with so many of them in Oklahoma. Living in the house in New Mexico was the first time in my adult life I lived somewhere I could grow one of my very own. I think it was very nearly June before I saw definitive proof of life in that tree. I even got to harvest a handful of pecans after that first growing season and it thrilled me to death.
This spring I have faced the identical dilemma with my apple tree. We bought it last fall, and put it in the ground right away. I bought tree wrap to protect it, but we never put in on a single inch of the young tree. We waited weeks to place the cherry tree we bought the same day in its spot up front. I expected it to struggle. But when the weather warmed this year, the cherry blossomed and leafed and looks amazing now. The apple never did a thing. All through April and the beginning of May, I have spoken gloom and doom. The tree is dead. It needs to be dug up and replaced. Last week I pinched the buds that never pushed out, and declared them hollow and blown. Just wait, I was told. Saturday, while I was out showing houses, I got a picture from Mr S-P. It was a tiny sucker poking out of the trunk of the apple an inch off of the ground. Yeah, I said, but the rest of the tree is dead. It still has to go back to the nursery for a replacement. Just wait, he said again. This morning, while I perfected the offer for my clients inside, I got a photo sent in from the back yard. The "blown" buds were starting to push out the softest, palest green. The leaves are barely a quarter of an inch long. But they are alive. I should have been patient enough to wait, and I should have had faith.
You can't imagine how many times in the last year I have wanted to give up. I've been through every single one of the major stresses on the list of the worst ones. Some of them I'm still going through, and at least one is permanent, inescapable, and with the current state of medicine, incurable. There hasn't been a single one of those stressors that hasn't made me want to say F it and chuck it all. I've tried to be positive here whenever possible, but it isn't always possible so in those moments I've tried to be honest. There is a lot in my life that is complicated and difficult. There's a lot I really don't freaking like right now.
But then there are sharp, short, shining moments of hope, like today. I had professional progress over the weekend, and tonight I am in the sweetest agony, waiting to learn whether the offer I submitted this afternoon is well-received. How many times have I questioned myself about this career? Yet here I am once more, getting another chance to succeed. Today my career, like my apple tree, has pushed out tiny little buds of life. It will be a while before I know whether it bears fruit. Even if accepted, we'll have almost six weeks to make it all the way to closing. Just wait, Anne. Just wait.
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