Angst

Inspirational song: Springtime for Hitler (The Producers)

Before going to a fundraiser this evening, I needed to take a nap. I asked Mr X to wake me so I wouldn't miss the event, and when he did, I groaned and said that I didn't feel well. "You and half the country," he said. I had meant that I was having a lot of muscular, fibromyalgia-like, overactive nerve pain. But he wasn't wrong. I know a lot of freaked out people all of a sudden. They are looking and sounding pretty shell-shocked. It's easy to fall back on hyperbole at moments like this, and I may have had a few instances of it myself today. But behind the hyperbole there is very real fear and angst. It's real and it's warranted. I have friends in vulnerable populations, and they have good reason to be frightened about how the next few years are going to play out. They're going to be judged by the color of their skin, by the color of their vote, by whom they love, by what they think, by what they do for a living. Some are going to retreat back into various closets. Some are going to feel their only option is to fight. I can't tell them which is right, in any given situation. I really don't even know what I'm going to do for my own life. Things are going to change. That is all I know for certain at this point. Some changes may be mere sound and fury. Some may be devastating to me and people I love. I find myself wallowing in my own tub of angst, called fear of the future.

I'm trying to do normal things today. We went to brunch with the kids. We had friends and neighbors visit. I went to a local brewery (although I only drank an orange creme soda). For now, it feels detached from reality, like play-acting. It's the only coping mechanism I can use at the moment. I have my writing to help me out when I'm ready, but for now it's a struggle to pull words out. I'm going to need to talk a lot over the next weeks, months, and years. Where will I start? Will I find the words to express how un-normal everything is now? Give me time to overcome the fear of saying exactly how angst-ridden I am. Because I am looking longingly at that closet that could hide me for years.