Listen to Your Mother

Inspirational song: Makin' It Natural (Dr Hook and the Medicine Show)

For more than a hundred years, makers of branded food products have employed "kitchen scientists" to invent recipes that use those specific branded ingredients, in order to sell more of them. Think "Nestle Toll House Cookies" or "Jell-O Salads." A plurality of this country has, at least once in their lives, microwaved a block of Velveeta and a can of Rotel to make dip. So I can't be surprised that my mother sent me a recipe that one of her friends shared, for something called Hawaiian Cheesecake Salad (although I might have the name slightly off). It called for cream cheese, packaged dry cheesecake mix, and by brand name, International Delight French Vanilla creamer, to be poured over chopped fruit. A half cup of creamer? Really? Who thought this was a good idea? That stuff is the oddest chemical cocktail. If the idea is to create a looser cheesecake-esque sauce to coat fruit, what's wrong with cream, half and half, or plain yogurt, plus vanilla extract and the natural sweetener of one's choice? My mother agreed. The yogurt was her idea.

So, with a heavy helping of hubris in my back pocket, I loaded up on fresh fruit at Costco yesterday. I had a collection of berries (the canes we had dug up earlier that afternoon were still only soaking in a kiddie pool at home by then), and a big bunch of bananas. I mused aloud that "surely they would have a single fresh pineapple." And there it was. One single pineapple, set on top of the cantaloupes, like it was wished into being. I looked around, and couldn't see any others in the whole produce section. Meant to be, right?

I put together everything I thought I needed. Softened cream cheese in the mixer, followed by little bits of half and half until it was soft. I put in vanilla and agave syrup. I cut up enough fruit to fill a large bowl. And I stirred thoroughly. We sat outside in the sun on the little patio, while animals stared holes into our skulls, waiting for the bowls. It was okay, but it didn't actually taste like cheesecake. I wonder what it is in the dry mix that would have made it tangier, like actual cheesecake. Maybe mom was right. Yogurt might have done it. Or throwing in some eggs, more sugar, and lemon juice before baking it, and then putting the fruit on top? Yeah. Next time.