On Golden Ponds

Inspirational song: History Never Repeats (Split Enz)

A few times in my life, I enjoyed having my picture taken. I had a long history of fighting self-esteem issues, and I usually lost. But there were those brief times when I could smile for a camera and like it. The battle seemed insurmountable many times in the last decade and a half. In the year 2000, Mr X and I went to Scotland on our second honeymoon, and I couldn't get enough of being in pictures. Not long after that, I started noticing his camera pointed my direction less and less often. By 2007, I was feeling healthy and confident, and wanted pictures taken, and I had to beg him to do it. He acted angry and put upon when I asked. From that moment on, I can recall only one single time that he took my picture unbidden. Every other time I had to insinuate my way into group pictures, or humble myself to ask, and I had to hope that the flush of red that filled my face whenever I was close to tears would fade before the shutter clicked. I am currently working hard to separate myself from the crisis of confidence that facing a camera, or worse, not being invited to face a camera, brought about in me. I am trying very hard to keep the negative thoughts out of my mind, and let the lens see the real me. I now appear in far more photographs than I have since 2001, and I have begun showing them to the world.

Today I had an appointment with a very dear woman who does portrait photography for a living. She is the one who did my phenomenal head shots last December for my real estate business cards. I started using one of those photos as a Facebook profile a couple of months ago, the first picture change in years. I haven't changed my cover photo on that site since they first offered the option to put one up. It has been a painting by my stepfather for at least five years. I'd asked my friend if she would do some outdoors portraits of me, so that maybe I'd have something fun to change my cover photo to, something that draws me even farther out of my shell. I bought some new clothes for the shoot, and spent way more than I intended on some vividly-colored lipsticks. I was ready to roll.

We went to a local park, one I'd never been to before, for the shots. There were two large ponds there, and terrific views of the mountains. I took a selfie while I waited for her to arrive at the park (held up by a train), and a few pictures of the scenery I'd be standing in front of. Once she got set up, we must have taken hundreds of pictures, in at least six different spots, as the sun set behind me. I have only peeked at a few of them, on her little digital camera screen, but I think there are some serious gems in the mix. She was easy to work with, making me very comfortable and relaxed enough to really work it for the camera. At times I didn't feel like a self-conscious freak begging to appear in one or two of our family souvenirs. I felt like a model, and I felt powerful. I give a great deal of credit to the photographer. I can't wait to show the world my new face, same as the old face, but now with pride and confidence.