Pretty as a Picture

Inspirational song: Colour My World (Chicago)

I rarely like to discuss openly the biochemical depression that goes along with autoimmune disease. I don't know if I just carry old school prejudices and stigmas that have long been associated with depression, or am I just that much harder on myself than I am with other people for whom I can dredge up empathy and compassion. I tell myself that my forays into depression are more just situational responses or physical illness phases, and not that weakness that I don't like to allow myself. But the truth is, from time to time, I have struggled with it, and it skips along down the path of life hand in hand with my autoimmune baggage. My external tribulations have contributed, most likely, but sometimes it was all inside me the whole time.

Something I have noticed for myself and have heard commented on from other people who face that beast, is that ones ability to appreciate colors is diminished. I feel less like creating art, or dressing in pretty clothes, or taking really good photographs. Other beautiful things fail to attract my notice, and I am less interested in things that taste or smell nice as well. But then, when the depressed phases end, all of a sudden, the world explodes into color. Food becomes delicious again, and I am interested in complex music and scented candles and flattering clothing and everything that I eschewed when I wasn't up to facing it.

I'm fairly certain that my externally and internally triggered depression period from this year is waning. I'm gorging on beauty now. I might have to confess to nearly causing traffic problems because my head keeps swinging around to absorb all the fall colors as I drive, and I've pulled over on the side of the road for pictures more times in the last two weeks than I have since I arrived in Colorado to date. This morning, I went way outside my usual pattern, and set an alarm to rouse me before dawn (yes, I snoozed it twice), and I was out the door as bright light first began to streak sideways across the sky. I retraced my route from yesterday, and took some back roads toward Boulder reservoir, where I parked and walked around for about 45 minutes, taking pictures of everything. There were people to talk to and dogs to pet, there were hot air balloons in the distance and rowing crews on the water. I felt so alive and so happy to be in this county, in this season, and in this life, shitty 2016 and all.

I have a zillion photos from this morning. I'll put a group of them out now, and maybe save a handful for a day when I don't make it out in time to get good shots. But also, I have received an incredible gift today. I was presented with three dozen photos from the session on Thursday, and they are amazing. I don't want to distract from the impact of either of these things, so I will also ration out these photos to share. I will keep a few close to home, but I can probably leak out one or two a night, for the next week. It's finally time to replace my cover photos on Facebook (already done) and profile picture on Twitter (that's next). It only took me three and a half years of doing this blog to be willing to show myself off in it. Thankfully I found a photographer-partner-in-crime who is incredibly skilled at doing just that.