I have a lot on my mind tonight. I'm struggling with some familiar demons, and a few who don't come along often, who I'd prefer would just go away without causing any mayhem. I'm really not sure how much I could or should divulge. I have a remarkable habit of over-sharing, but once in a while I want to use caution. I'll wade through gently and see what happens.
I've had five doses now of the new medication so far. I will start ramping up tomorrow, taking more until I hit the threshold the rheumatologist suggested. I wanted to think it would be a magic substance, and I'd find immediate relief. Not so much. I Googled how long it takes to work, and it seems that I should wait a week to see results. Until then, every nerve in my body is still firing at once. My skin feels electrified. I had to psych myself up mid-afternoon to finally take a shower and dress, and when I peeled off the tank top I'd slept in, I felt like my upper body was being flayed. The sensation was over quickly, only reverberating a few seconds after I tossed aside the shirt. This sensitivity is both a recent development and a long-standing battle. I've had waves of this come at me since I was 18 years old, but they never lasted more than an hour or so, usually less. This is the second round since summer started that has gone on for multiple days. I am hoping for significant progress in this fight by the middle of next week.
I've hit that point during the growing season that I dread. It comes once it gets too hot for me to be outside in the middle of the day, when all I want to do is hide inside in refrigerated air. It becomes more difficult to keep up with all the flowers and vegetables I planted in the spring when I had hopes and dreams. I need to water more often and I need to fertilize all the container pots. I don't. My beautiful flowers start to struggle to stay alive. It always breaks my heart when they start turning brown and crispy. Even when I know they're annuals that fizzle out by July, it makes me sad to see them go. I replaced two of the calibrachoa in the hanging pots already, to keep them looking good. But they need more replacements sooner than later. I have completely given up on the bleeding heart that I overwatered, of all things. I'm not sure whether I can find one exactly like it. I want to keep the arrangement exactly like it was before.
I have more pages in the book of my life to thumb through, but I'm going to dog-ear a page, and come back to the rest later. Those battles can wait.
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