No matter how many times I try to give myself permission to have bad days, the conditioning is still there to say that everything is fine. I don't want to burden people with how I feel every damned day of my life, so I overstate it when I'm feeling good, and I hide it when I'm in pain. Over my lifetime I've been told by multiple people close to me that even so, I complain too much because I admit it that things hurt and I say it out loud. Really? You're tired of hearing it? Try living it. When I was little, I was too young to feel this bad. When I was in my young adult years I was a drama queen to speak openly when the pain was at a constant 10 out of 10 all over, but I had kids to raise and money to earn. Even now, I still get it, from people who know better. It always hurts. Always. Burying that inside so that I don't offend people by speaking my truth just makes it worse, so stop being surprised when the words bubble up every few hours.
Over the weekend I ordered a t-shirt from a chronic illness support group to wear on days like this when I am feeling obligated to put on a happy face when I am anything but. It says "I'm FINE" but the letters are made up of smaller type words that say what "fine" really means. I probably wouldn't have even worn it today, though. I have been laid out with a fever most of the day, having to stop everything I'm trying to accomplish about every 30-40 minutes to lie back down and feel like crap. Tomorrow is a busy day for me, and I am not going to get everything I need to do done before then. I've stopped caring. Everything hurts too much for me to give a rat's ass what won't be done.
I don't like writing posts that are just me bitching for a few paragraphs. I really don't. But to lie and say everything's super awesome every day is more than I can handle. I have a commitment to the truth, even if I'm the only one who wants to tell it. Apparently truth is not everyone's friend. But we have a devil's bargain, the truth and I, and like clockwork, I have to bow down and let it see the light of day.
My nephew provided today's inspirational music, and in so doing, he flipped open the door that lets the truth out. The song is great. And as it says, I'm happy that you're happier than me. Tonight I needed to write a sad song.
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