For everything that I'm experiencing, I'm totally just guessing as to the root cause. I have no idea what is causing what. I sort of feel like I'm normal most of the time, except for an absolute lack of energy. I don't think it's brought about by sheer boredom, but I suppose it's possible. I have no idea how these cycles are going to play out. Is my muscle fatigue from lack of use? Lack of nutrition? Failure to take my regular lupus meds and vitamin D? Or is this just a standard ebb and flow during a chemo cycle? I'll have something to compare to next week. For now, I'm just making up the answers out of whole cloth.
It takes me forever to do basic tasks. Three attempts to do one meal's worth of dishes. Four days and I still haven't made it all the way through two loads of laundry piled on my day bed. Two weeks and counting to pay the first bill that came in the mail from the oncologist. (If I knew where it got put, it might get paid a little faster.) I'm lucky if I make it in and out of the shower by 2 pm. Sometimes tooth brushing doesn't happen for the first time in a day until right before bedtime. I hate being such a slug.
I kept trying to tell myself to eat today. I tried hard. I had a little of my leftovers from yesterday (very little), and they were okay. I baked a sweet potato that didn't taste as sweet as I imagined it would. Elsa and Murray were troopers to help me get rid of it. And I thought a grilled cheese sandwich and red pepper/tomato soup would be much more enjoyable than it turned out to be in reality. Nothing tastes like I expect it to. I even tried to drink a real sugar soda, and it tasted like yucky chemicals. I'm kind of wondering whether the effects will get worse after infusion number two next week. I mean, it's cool to imagine I'll lose a ton of weight during this treatment, enough to balance out the size differential between my bald head and doughy body. But getting there is just not as much fun as advertised. (Narrator: No one told her it would be fun.)
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