Whatever I expected it to feel like, so far none of it has matched my ignorant expectations. I mean, yeah, I'm tired. I got that out of everyone else's stories. But the stories failed to express "how" or "why" one is tired--that feels utterly alien. I'm not just tired because meh, fatigue. I'm tired because it feels like every single cell in my body is doing something at all times of the day and night. I'm literally humming like a machine. If my eyes didn't convince me I haven't moved, I would swear I'm in constant motion. Sometimes I feel like I'm twisting and floating on air. Sometimes it's more like zooming down a river through class four rapids (but without getting wet or bashed up). My muscles get a little shaky and weak, like I've been sprinting. And overall today, I'm as tired as if I walked all the way from here to Yuma, straight through without a sit-down.
I also wouldn't have thought that I'd have such a runny nose. No one mentions that. I'm sure they don't think it's important, and it's probably not. But day and night, since around day three, my nose has been alternately runny, stuffy, or bloody. Perpetually bouncing between those three states. The one part that concerns me is how quick it is to bleed. Am I not supposed to be extra careful not to break my skin everywhere else, for fear of infection? Didn't they tell me not even to start flossing my teeth on the regular, for fear of mouth bacteria getting into the bloodstream?
There's other stuff that I might have read, and imagined I'd either skip or not notice it. I'm noticing heartburn. I never have heartburn anymore, in my regular life. Digestion got pretty good for me years ago, when I changed my diet and got zealous about keeping my house and kitchen safe. So now during chemo I get heartburn over something spicy, like a Jolly Rancher candy. Or water. Almost every food I eat ends up giving me regrets. I had tomato soup for lunch, and it was okay, but all I could manage for dinner was a GF hamburger bun I found in the back of the fridge. I toasted it in the oven with a slab of butter, and all I could taste was salt. Now I feel like I had a big bowl of ghost pepper chili. I'll be sleeping on a wedge and hoping the night is short.
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