Yesterday I asked the rheumatologist how to tell when I'm experiencing a lupus flare, versus the way I have generally felt like crap for most of the last twenty or thirty years. I asked her right before she ran out of the room to retrieve some other piece of information (I forget what), and when she returned, we forgot to complete the conversation I'd started. I am new to this language, and I don't know how to group individual symptoms into one time-defined package called a "flare." How long do they last? What's a flare and what's a daily pain? How do I know when it's serious enough to call the doctor? I still don't have answers to these things.
What I am starting to believe is that I'm in a flare now. I'm exhausted but not sleeping. I go from being scorching hot to ice cold like there is a kid playing with a light switch that controls me, and at times like this I wish my body was capable of producing even a single bead of sweat. My face is stinging. My hands and feet are even more sore than usual. I am forcing myself to eat but regretting every bite as soon as I swallow. I feel like I've spent all day screaming at a particularly exciting football game, but I've barely spoken to anyone besides cats for days. My shoulders hurt as bad as that day I fell through a greenhouse roof and caught them on the rafters. I am still having the dizziness, confusion, and numbness. I'm stuck in an inescapable anxiety. This has to be a flare.
I know what brought it on. It's a combination of stress and sunlight. I've been pretty clear about the stress. I tried to fill out the financial disclosure statements for the legal separation this afternoon, and it sent me through hours of extra "flare" symptoms. But I've also been very careless about the sun. I have to go outside more often now that Mr X isn't taking care of the Park. There are a lot of flowers in pots and hard to reach places (for the sprinkler system) that I have to water every day. I go out and check on progress of fruits and vegetables and flowers. For a dozen short trips outside every day, I'm neglecting to grab a hat. I keep telling myself it is only for a couple minutes at a time. But then I stay out for five or ten minutes, watering from a sunny spot rather than hiding under a shady tree and watering from a distance. Or I walk around looking for pretty pictures of flowers or ripening fruit (today it was choke cherries in the back yard). It's too hot to wear long sleeves, and I'm lazy about sunscreen when I pretend I'm staying inside all day. I get direct sun at 5000-ish feet of altitude on my exposed head, bare arms and sandal-clad feet. I must be an idiot. I've known these things hurt me for most of my life, and now I know why, but I'm not doing anything to help it. I'm just flaring and hating it.
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