Not to put too fine a point on it, but today was rough. It's all well and good to put on a brave face here, behind the privacy curtain of a relatively anonymous blog. But to have to face people and tell hordes of them how I'm managing to get through the days makes it a lot harder to keep a straight face and dry eyes. Tuesdays are my busiest days, and apparently they're going to be the hardest for me to handle until I'm past the worst of this (whenever that is). People asked me all day how I was doing, and bless them, most of them really did care and want the truth. I had a rheumatology appointment this morning, and had to be totally honest with that doc. (I also had to tell her how the dizziness and numbness I've been experiencing is getting worse, not better, so we are investigating that further.) I went to Rotary at the usual time, and had several people ask after my welfare. That was when it was really tricky, trying to be accurate without giving too much information or caving in to emotion. I even stayed for a long committee meeting afterwards, and held it together all the way until I was on my way home, a few blocks from the house. I wallowed in misery for a couple hours, and then went to my writers group, where I had no new compositions to read, and left fifteen minutes early to avoid having to pretend I was okay any longer. I want to be okay. I really do. But on the days when I'm faced with that awful word "forever," it's a lot less likely to happen anytime soon.
After I blogged last night, I sat outside in the back yard, listening to fireworks popping in my neighborhood until almost midnight. The yard was so pretty in the dark, with the tiny LED lights everywhere, sitting on my flagstone patio, able to see the shadows of flowers near me. Unfortunately, rather than being calming, it just upset me more. There wasn't a single direction I could look where I didn't see his work. It's so hard to appreciate the beauty when I'm not in it with Mr X. Even sitting in the hot tub is at best bittersweet. It's quiet and lonely without anyone to talk to. I've taken to setting up my iPad and watching YouTube mixes or television shows on network apps, so it isn't oppressively silent in the tub.
I didn't bother trying to sleep until almost 0130 this morning, and despite a modest dose of melatonin, I never really slept more than a couple minutes. By 0500, I admitted defeat that I would never sleep at all. Remember my primary care doctor telling me to sleep six or seven hours at night, and two or three hours in the afternoon? Not so much these days. I'm not sure I've slept that much in the last week combined, with the one exception of the stretch after taking a muscle relaxer. It's possible the ongoing insomnia is making me more stressed out, and less able to handle my major changes, or the reverse may be the case, that the stress of that lonely word "forever" is making it impossible to sleep. Either way, it sucks. I really hate forever. It looks way too big to handle right now.
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