Talk It Out

Inspirational song: If I Didn't Have You (Tim Minchin)

I've spent most of the last 24 hours in close contact with people who mean a lot to me. I've drawn strength from my daughter who always gets me fired up lately (in a good way, I swear). I've had a chance to engage face to face with my coworkers who help me focus on my career. I've had a wonderful evening with my dear friend who came to dinner and stayed for an impromptu counseling session (which he's really good at, for the record). And I'm closing it out with a heart to heart with my housemate. I needed to talk, and every one of these people are letting me do it.

This evening, I pulled out a lot of my old blogs, and talked about things I've written with my dinner guest. I confessed how often I feel like saying, "I'm tired. No writing in depth tonight. Here's a cat picture." But 1176 nights in a row, I've done it anyway. Tonight makes 1177. I really don't know where it's going to come from when I start on those nights (which some months approach 40-45% of the time). I made a commitment to myself, and I do what I swore I would do. I'm big on commitment. I don't like that my health has sapped my physical energy and led me to break so many dates in the last few years. I stick with what I can, because I can. Because I must. I have to balance out the times when I have to sit and rest instead of plugging ahead. Is that just trying to soothe guilt? I can't say.

I sometimes feel like I've painted myself in a corner. I took on the big Park in Charleston, because I picked that house and felt obligated to take care of it alone when I was there by myself for a year and a half. I was in way over my head, but I kept trying, one step at a time. I've committed myself to a lot here in Colorado, and I can't stop now. I'm in too deep. I am thousands of dollars into a real estate career, that always seems to be "this close" to breaking free and succeeding. I have several manuscripts in progress, and I have spent so much time developing the characters and story lines, I can't throw them away now. They're too good to waste. I'm just getting in a groove in Rotary, although the time and energy commitment is higher than I feel up to at present. But I can't stop now. It's just getting good. That's what propels me forward, I suppose. I have to keep going, not giving up. It's got to get better from here.