Bugged

Inspirational song: Anticipation (Carly Simon)

I don't like placeholder days. I'm not talking about my necessary rest days, but the ones where all my plans blow up and I end up pushing projects off. I feel anxious and uncomfortable, like I will pay for it later. I've been meaning to do important but annoying jobs, like filing all my bills that are mounded on the table, or thoroughly cleaning the inside of my car. For the entire day, all I managed to do was remove a thin layer off the geological wonder that is my table, and remove a tightly-packed bag of trash from the car. No vacuuming, no leather polishing, no elaborate sorting of household accounts. My day feels unfinished, and I wonder whether I wore myself out too much to complete tasks before bed.

I have put off writing projects as well. Tomorrow's group assignment was to choose a style of magazine and write a pretend article for it. You're probably thinking, oh, she could create something for Better Homes and Gardens in her sleep. On a day like today, you'd be wrong. I'd like to write a comedic version of that, but all I can think of is Eddie Izzard's bit where the C of E vicar is reading a fashion magazine as his sermon, talking about the season's hottest colors for lipsticks, and how it reminds him that when Jesus went to Nazareth, he surely wanted to get tarted up a bit. I fear if I tried to write an homage to that routine, I'd end up feeling like I stole the gag, and I won't let myself do it.

I'm also still struggling with the introductory talk at Rotary. I have phrases I want to include, but nothing yet has gelled into an actual speech. I know I just need to sit my reluctant butt down and write it, but the anxiety over it is harder to overcome than I expected it to be. It's a three minute talk. I am not shy. I'm actually totally fine with public speaking, but I'm usually using those speeches to educate my audience about something other than myself. I lecture perfectly well, but bragging comes harder to me (at least vocally, yeah?)

I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. I get this feeling a lot, like I'm just counting down time. Until what, for how long, who knows? I'm stuck in a general feeling of unease, and it is entirely unproductive.