It turns out that a single day of melancholia wasn't enough. I allowed myself a second day of quiet reflection and meditation. The grieving process is ongoing. I am gaining more and more days between the hard times, but they still sneak up on me from time to time. One thing I've discovered lately that there are still a whole lot of songs that remind me of the past, and my reaction is not always simply to smile fondly and recollect. It's a toss up whether I'll end up sobbing silently or having pretend confrontations with absent family members, when certain memories are rekindled. I mostly had imaginary arguments today, while I sat quietly, listening to the soft rock radio station. I'm not terribly proud of my day, but at least I'm honest about it.
On the whole, things are improving. With medication and dedication, I am feeling much better. I don't have to be persuaded to exercise. I even suggested that it would be fun to walk to the pharmacy and natural foods store this afternoon (with the sun still shining brightly and everything--that was new). But I still struggle with sleep schedules and balancing rest and activity. I go see the rheumatologist again tomorrow. I wonder whether she will have any new suggestions for me.
Ah, hell. With little new inputs, I have little new to opine about this evening. I have a whole lot of fun stuff planned for the next week, but today my engines were idling. Check back over the next several days. There will be better topics than me moping about what was my life and is no longer.
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