Ever since I started writing publicly, or at least since I started posting links to this writing where anyone and everyone had access to it, I have been living a nearly transparent life. I've held back names and specific locations when I can, but other than that, I have been completely out in the open. I'm used to it, and I like not keeping many secrets. I kept too much hidden for too long in my life, and it burned me up inside when I was expected to hold back information that stressed me.
Now I find myself pushing back against the openness just a little bit. I still want to be forthright and honest, but I feel like I need to keep a few things to myself for just a little while. I've been mulling a lot of things over and talking with people in person. My days have been full and I have a lot on my mind. I just don't know that I'm prepared to spill everything here at this moment. On days when I had a lot of other things going on, this might not have presented a problem, because I'd have plenty of topics to write about. Lately I've been kicking over a lot of metaphorical rocks to see the creepy-crawly creatures who lurk underneath, and I need to take some time to sort out how I feel about them before I use them as subject matter. After all this time of putting my life on a stage, it is hard to pull the curtain back. I feel guilty about needing a moment of privacy. I know it won't last long. I'll be letting it all hang out again, probably as early as tomorrow. By then I'll have digested the very important conversations I had in the last day, and have moved on to new subject materials entirely.
One announcement of note before I go. I have not seen Accidental Agnes the Adventurous Anole in three or four days. She was looking great last week, jumping around and being frisky and charming when I came up to her tank. I thought we were finally over the rough time she went through a few weeks ago. I have been looking for her for days, with no sign of her. I moved her heat lamp around, shining it in every corner of the tank, and nothing. Just now I got a wooden spoon and poked around in all of the hiding holes, moving leaves and moss. Still nothing. I will wait a day or two more, but I fear Agnes is no longer with us. I wish I could find definitive proof of her condition. I may not ever. I don't know how long to wait before I start wandering through stores in search of Beautiful Beatrix the Back-Up Lizard (or something to that effect).
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